It seems that a clear mind brings about the best results in all activities. But I am increasing getting suckered into the passive state all the time. Is it me, or it seems that most normal people have great capacity for reactions. I am so slow brained and inattentive.

Nevertheless i am continuing to find a better way to improve my brain functioning. I believe in the day my brain will tick again, and everything in life will snap into order. Until then, I need to keep cool, think less when fuzzy brained, and continue on my resolves.

Unbelievable, but i just started playing poker again. I am going to give this a shot for a few weeks, if i manage to earn $100 by the end, I think I would consider playing poker.

I plan to put in 1000 hands a day at 0.10/0.25, playing only one table.

Worst-case scenario

Winrate = 1 BB/100 hands

Hands = 1000 * 30 days

Daily Profit = $0.25 * 10 = $2.50

Monthly Profit = $2.50 * 30 = $75

Medium-case

Winrate = 3 BB/100

Hands = 1000 * 30 days

Daily Profit = $0.75*10 = $7.50

Monthly Profit = $7.50 * 30 = $225

Best-case

Winrate = 10 BB/100

Hands = 1000 * 30 days

Daily Profit = $2.50*10 = $25.00

Monthly Profit = $25 * 30 = $750

If I can play 2-4 tables profitably, the numbers will go:

2-tabling = $150, $500, $1500

3-tabling = $225, $750, $2250

4-tabling = $300, $1000, $3000

3 BB/100 seems like a reasonable winrate to aim for. I would be so happy to win $225 for a start, if it could get to $1000 4-tabling per month, that would be even more awesome.

I just played some 0.05/0.10 on stars. This is the first time I’m playing online poker in 3 months (excluding occasional facebook poker which is nothing like fulltilt/stars). I ran pretty well at the start, getting paid off by calling stations. Bought-in for $6. Was at $16 at the peak point, but went down to $12-$13. Then to $8. Then to $1.60 (had tptk+nut flush vs set). I made some donkey calls today preflop, like calling $1.60 on a $5 pot preflop 3-way with 82s. Yes, I am an idiot. I should stop doing that. Especially not at 0.10/0.25.

I think the biggest barrier to not playing well is basically my mental state when i am playing. I often begin to drift away in my own thoughts after about an hour of playing and not pay attention to the action on the table. This is where i got to improve on. I have already started working out so i hope that will help with the concentration. Also some naturade won’t hurt, but i know it doesn’t last more than 1-2 hours. Other than that I plan to take quick breaks to freshen up my mind, possibly once every hour. We’ll see. This is my pokertableratings profile: ForMyTiaras.

I plan to think a lot about poker. Try not to focus on the money, but on putting the best attention when playing, and working hard thinking through the game a lot.

Here is a little review for people who are probably like me, low in energy and requiring a quick boost through coffee or red bull. I have found an energy drink that is i believe really good in comparison to the others i find in Jakarta.

The product is called Naturade Gold. It is produced by Enesis Group, which also responsible for other health supplement products such as VEGETA.

I tried both Naturade Gold and Extra Joss, both in powder form. I find that Naturade Gold is better if you are seeking to do brain work. It gets you focused and more alert. Extra Joss on the other hand don’t give me the type of focus Naturade does. So for the brain workers out there, you can try to get Naturade Gold if you are planning to do some brain work.

The changes i felt after drinking Naturade is that I feel like the front part of my brain, the part right behind the forehead, is the one active. Also, i tend to not slip into daydreaming mode, which is the main cause of lethargy and sleepiness. Also i have this strange urge to ‘do things’. I don’t and can’t ’speak in my head’ anymore. Instead my attention is on doing something right now and I feel capable of ‘focusing’ on my books. Also i feel no strong heart beats that usually comes with coffee and energy drinks.

For i know, the effect lasts 1-2 hours, it may be seem short. But i think i accomplish more in there 2 hours than i do the whole morning + afternoon if i went without the drink. Also, on the website it states this “Increases long term brain ability/thinking process (when consumed properly after 1 month and minimum twice a day)”. If this is true, then this does more than giving instant energy, and that it even have good long term effects for the brain.

So if you are doing brain intensive work, you might want to pick this instead of the more popular red bull, kratingdaeng, or extra joss.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on supplements. Just giving a humble opinion and review of different supplements i have taken. I am not saying it will be suitable for everyone. You should always check with your doctor before you try to take any supplements (yeah right, who ever checks with their doctor before taking over the counter medicines). Actually I don’t even know why I’m writing this disclaimer.

So I just got home from a wedding. I’ve been to so many lately, can say one every week. And worse still, all chinese-indonesian weddings seems to be at Hotel Mulia. So it’s Hotel Mulia every week for us, such that it’s becoming like a routine thing. But that is not the point of this post.

My last post is about attention and excitement. Basically i believe that too much excitement will cloud our ability to pay attention to our surroundings and to our work. So tonight that exactly happened. Because my mom wasn’t in the car, and it was only my elder brother, my sister and I. Obviously the mood in the car isn’t as grave as normal. Mainly coz i can talk to my brother about anything that I otherwise would not say infront of my mom and dad.

The point is i got into a car ‘accident’. But it is really as small as accidents can get. Basically it is just the side of my car, scratching the side of his car. It didn’t even happen on a road! I was busy talking to my brother, as we were making our way down the parking lot. There was 2 lanes, and suddenly there is a left turn. The car on the right lane made a steep left turn such that my way got cut. I should have let him past. But instead i sort of like moved forward a bit, and i think that’s when the sides of our cars scratched. It was the back, left side for the guy, and our front right side, that made contact.

Now here’s the funny part, we were moving so slow down the car park, because there were so many cars trying to get out at the same time after the wedding. I was also busy talking with brother, that i didn’t even notice our cars knocked. I was ‘that’ inattentive tonight.

So our cars moved forward, and now our car is behind his car. And suddenly the driver from the car infront opened his door and came out. He look at the right side of our car, and the back left side of his car, and gave me a stare. I was like ‘huh? we hit?’ My brother went down, and he showed us the scratches. It was a few lines of white scratches on his car. And for our car, it’s like a few black lines. Basically our car was in worse condition, although it was just a few short 2cm dents and some scratches.

My brother ask them for their number, so we could get it repaired through our insurance thing. And of course i thought they would not want to waste of time going to our bengkel for such small scratches. They asked for Rp 300,000 to get it over quick. Now the cars behind are horning like mad because we were blocking their way, so we got in the cars and settled it by the side. Later, they said Rp 200,000. So i thought, sigh, just pay them i guess. I think it’s not terrible at all. Rp 300,000 is certainly too much. But since now they say it’s Rp 200,000 i guess it’s okay. No difference Rp 100,000 or Rp 200,000. So i took Rp. 200,000 out of my wallet, which is probably just nice what i had in it. And passed it to him.

Then at this moment my brother started trying to wipe the scratches off that guy’s car. And he wiped one line off, and proceeded to wipe the rest of as easily using just his fingers! Now of course me, that guy and his wife were all kind of stunned looking at this. And now the awkward situation comes. I just gave him the Rp 200,000. Now what do we do? Is he doing to return it to me? So my brother was like: “Actually, there is no damage now that we wiped it off” and it’s true. Turns out those scratches were nothing but paint that is so easy to wipe off even using the fingers. And there was no sign of even any damage on his car now!

The guy asked his wife what to do. The wife said: ok then, return him the money. He returned me the Rp 200,000 and even shook my hand. We said bye bye and went into our cars. Coincidentally we drive the same exact car, same exact color as the guy. I thank my brother in the car, i thought it was nothing short of miraculous that he managed to wipe off those scratches. I certainly wouldn’t have thought of doing that. My brother really saved me this time.

I am also thankful that although the couple seemed pretty fierce. They are actually reasonable people. They returned me the money when they saw there was no damages. I don’t think most people would have done that. So i am thankful more than anything. You can be assured that for the rest of the ride home I drove extremely safely.

So that was the whole incident. I think the cause of the incident was that i got too excited talking that I didn’t pay attention. I could feel from this morning that my attention is not very good. I am constantly thinking and not paying attention to my surroundings at all. And when you don’t pay attention you don’t drive well obviously. Luckily I am not the type who likes to ngebut (speed) on the road. I drive moderately slow all time because I feel like i can’t control the car well under high speed. So thanks to that the only accidents I ever encountered are those minor ones like scratching the sides of their backs. Although once I did knock into the back lights of taxi because he braked too quick and i tried to turn right to avoid but can’t.

So right now i feel guilty for getting myself too engrossed and excited that I ceased to pay attention to my surroundings. I find that these over-excited states are the ones that always gets me into trouble. I hope to able to control my excitement level from now on. Too excited = less rational and accurate.

So for as long as i can remember, i always had the worst attention span among friends. When reading a case study together, my friends would be on the 5th page and I’ll still be on page 3. It’s no surprise to me that i have poor attention span because i engage in the most ADD hobbies – watching videos all day and playing games a lot. This was literally my life from 14 years old until now.

I use to think that i have the ability to focus, i just need to try really hard, and i would regain my concentration. I found that that is not the case. A typical day of studying without any coffee, would be me staring at book for 1-2 hour, not getting over a few pages and end up going to sleep. So this went on and on until i gave up trying to focus ‘naturally’ and started taking coffee. Of course coffee did wonders. I never could finish an assignment without coffee. During exam period i would be drinking coffee everyday.

Nowadays, I opt to drink energy drinks instead of coffee. Sometimes i would drink coffee, and not feel it’s effects. Not that i am more immune to caffeine, it’s just that some coffee don’t have much effects on me. Also coffee makes you pee a lot, that alone would be reason enough for me to not want to drink coffee.

I read on a website today, that people who’ve taken drugs would have problem living normal lives even if they quit drugs. Why? Because the drugs have let them entered a high they will never experience any other way. That ‘high’ ruined their ‘reward’ part of the brain, which is the part which pumps out the feel good chemicals like dopamine. They have experienced so high an excitement level when taking drugs, all the other aspects of life becomes boring, even the supposedly happy times like when you meet up with friends, eat good food etc.

Now my point is this, could it be that too much entertainment, makes us less appreciative of the little things? I believe that a person who is constantly stimulated by games, videos, music etc. experience highs that are akin to taking drugs (although obviously not as strong). But when your brain is habitually excited, you will get bored more easily. And when you get bored easily, of course you can’t pay attention to the mundane stuff like work. So essentially, excessive excitement causes people to be more moody, and less happy about normal things. That is what i am trying to say. Therefore, it is better that we limit the amount of ‘excitement’ in our lives, so that we can enjoy more the little things.

Okay finally got myself Dumbells although they are only 6kg. I have to thank my bro for the dumbells, it’s his actually. But since he has signed up for Gold’s Gym, he said I could take the dumbells if i want. I would actually want 10kg or 15kg dumbells, which is what i was lifting for shoulder and chest back in Melbourne. But I tried doing some shoulder press and i realize i could only do 10 reps using 6kg. So it should be good to use 6kg for now. And i can do more reps to make up for the weight.

I did 3 sets of 8 reps bicep curl, and i was really pushing myself for the 3rd set. And this is 6kg… So this is how weak my arm is. My other concern is that i often rush through the reps, not doing them slowly and properly. Shall take note of that. Also, i probably would be buying new weights soon, although my mom seems to be convinced that i would quit soon, i think otherwise this time. My main goal for lifting weights isn’t even body-building, it’s actually to release my energy and achieve better concentration. So I’m actually lifting so i can think better and pay attention better. So far i can’t think of any better way to help me concentrate than to lift weights. It seems to do the trick. Hope it continues to. I shall shamelessly tag this post under body-building.

This morning, i tried to do some pushups after lunch, which was just a small bowl of noodles. I realize that i was not able to do the pushups. I wonder why. I think the most probable reason is that I just finished eating, and therefore most of the blood is going to the stomach to digest the food. Then before i knew it was too tired and went to sleep at 2pm.

Now it’s night and i just did some pushups and squats. I did 20 pushups this time because i really couldn’t feel anything after 15 reps in the first set. This is quite a mistake, because when i started on the second set, my hands were too weak. I could only do 10 pushups. I probably could do 15, but it would be too much a struggle. So i just realize something, that low rep makes sense, even if you don’t feel anything in the first set, because the 2nd and 3rd set will kill you. So i plan on sticking to 15, 15, 15.

As for squats, since i died doing the second set of 30 the last time i did it, i decide to stay with 20,20,20 tonight which turned out just nice. I don’t want to push myself such that i have to wake up with an aching body tomorrow morning.

I really feel best at night, mentally and physically. I realize i am just a night person. But exercising at night is really not a great idea. When i exercise, it is at 9pm. And this is a bit too late if i plan to sleep at 10-11pm. I think it’s best to exercise with an empty stomach before dinner/lunch/breakfast.

Okay yesterday i did some squats for a start. I did 2 sets of 30 squats, and i did them properly such that after the second set, the hips were burning like hell. Those 2 sets of squats were all i did yesterday lol. But don’t laugh at this, because i haven’t done any exercise at all for the past few months. All i do is stare at the computer screen all day. The closest thing to exercise for me everyday probably is walking 15m to the toilet to take a bath. I thought i should begin by doing some simple exercises like push-ups and squats to work the heart. As i was doing the squats for example, I could really feel my heart beating fast. This was exactly what i wanted, but i think i pushed myself too hard on the second set of the squat, i was already struggling at 20, but still pushed myself to do till 30. Should have known not to push myself so much, because the last time i pushed myself this way in the gym i couldn’t walk without aches for almost a week.

But i am very positive about exercising right now. Why? Because even though i only did 2 sets of pushups and 2 sets of squats each day, i could feel my heart pumping, and when my heart pumps, i feel healthier, more alive and alert. Also, my sleep is noticeably deeper. I have also regained a bit of my appetite. What more can i ask for, than to eat well, sleep well, and be alert when i am trying to do something. And it all seems to have picked up since i did these little exercises. That is why i am very positive about exercising right now. I plan to buy dumbbells so i can exercise more areas such as arms shoulders chest and back.

I seriously am thinking about beginning an exercise habit from now on. I am more and more convinced that our mental performance is tied to our physical fitness level. I was reading a pokernews article on durrrrr challenge and i came upon this conversation between durrrr and patrik.

durrrr: ok, i gtg soon 
durrrr: goin to gym in like 30min or so 
durrrr: mayb less 
Patrik Antonius: lets play 20min ok? 
durrrr: 30min or so is fine

What has this got to do with me planning to exercise? Well because i am a big fan of durrrr, and since he goes to the gym, i must think he finds exercise to be important. Also i must remind myself of something i read in the Bobby Fisher (chess legend) book where it was written that he trained his body like a Spartan (even though he was a chess player). This more than proves that exercise is crucial if we want to be able to perform mentally.

Also this made my day:

“durrrr” Challenge railbird quotes of the day: 

timmay28 (Observer): WHY HAVENT THE BLINDS GONE UP? 

PAC10Pride (Observer): durrrr, if you were a fruit, which would you be and why?

Geez I hate it when someone makes me emotional. I just hate it. I see it as a form of manipulation unlike physical force. Instead of punching you in the face, someone can say some hurtful things that would wound you as bad, albeit emotionally.

I read on a blog yesterday that says that our level of happiness is inherently tied to the level of happiness of our family. That is true, but one part of me wants to disbelieve in that. I feel like some people just attract problems into their lives, and if you try to listen to their story, they would only b*tch to you about stuff that basically don’t need to be b*tched out. Such are the drama queens in this world, and i dislike this type of people. They use the fact that someone is listening to their story, to manipulate the story to incite some kind of emotions out of you, usually to incite you to hate the person he/she is hating. If you listen to their stories, you can’t help but get ‘infected’ with their emotions. From a normal emotional state, i suddenly become sad and feel heavy in my heart just listening to a person’s hateful story. I feel like an innocent bystander caught in the drama based on irrationality and untruths, and biases created by angry/egoic minds.

How come some people just can’t stop making enemies in their lives? And when they feel offended (even though it’s not warranted) they would spread their anger and hate into the people around them, often who has nothing at all to do with the problem. It’s okay to get angry and speak to someone else about it, but never let that anger consume you and make you blind to the real emotional effects you are causing other people. And guess what, usually since you’ve hurt people around you needlessly, karma is going to get you again. I have witnessed this again and again. In the past, when someone has mistreated me, i always feel so angry, that i do not deserve to be treated this way, or that the person could have been more sensitive to my feelings. But very soon, karma works its wheels, and some misfortune will befall on the person, and now he/she is at the receiving end of all the emotional hurts he/she has caused to the people around.

So can we do anything to help these people? These so called drama queens. I have tried listening to them (alot) and giving some advice here and there on what i think would be rational to do that would help solve the problem. But usually listening would only let their ego talk louder and they would continually b*tch about the other person. I don’t understand why people love to b*tch so much. Their lack of self-awareness cause them to be stuck at hating instead of on solving the problem. And when you give them honest opinions from a 3rd person’s point of view, they dismiss it and blame you instead for not siding with them. Such drama queens, their minds are set, and no longer open. Like the Chinese say, it’s like ‘playing music to a cow’. They won’t get it. They are furious and their minds are closed. There is no use talking to these people. If you get close to them, you only get caught up in their string of lies.

I am generally an emotionless person. I don’t react to things as emotionally as other people. I like it this way because i am of the belief that emotions are an impediment to rationality. And thus limiting emotions in life would be a good way to go about life in a controlled, rational manner. However i find it difficult to block out the emotions of others. I feel infected by their emotions. I feel it unfair that I have to go through what they have caused. I use to think that you can be friends with everyone, all it takes is a tolerance, but now i believe that some people are really unsave-able and it would be better if you just distance yourself from them as early as you can.