I Long For Clear Thinking

It seems that a clear mind brings about the best results in all activities. But I am increasing getting suckered into the passive state all the time. Is it me, or it seems that most normal people have great capacity for reactions. I am so slow brained and inattentive.

Nevertheless i am continuing to find a better way to improve my brain functioning. I believe in the day my brain will tick again, and everything in life will snap into order. Until then, I need to keep cool, think less when fuzzy brained, and continue on my resolves.

Driving without paying attention

So I just got home from a wedding. I’ve been to so many lately, can say one every week. And worse still, all chinese-indonesian weddings seems to be at Hotel Mulia. So it’s Hotel Mulia every week for us, such that it’s becoming like a routine thing. But that is not the point of this post.

My last post is about attention and excitement. Basically i believe that too much excitement will cloud our ability to pay attention to our surroundings and to our work. So tonight that exactly happened. Because my mom wasn’t in the car, and it was only my elder brother, my sister and I. Obviously the mood in the car isn’t as grave as normal. Mainly coz i can talk to my brother about anything that I otherwise would not say infront of my mom and dad.

The point is i got into a car ‘accident’. But it is really as small as accidents can get. Basically it is just the side of my car, scratching the side of his car. It didn’t even happen on a road! I was busy talking to my brother, as we were making our way down the parking lot. There was 2 lanes, and suddenly there is a left turn. The car on the right lane made a steep left turn such that my way got cut. I should have let him past. But instead i sort of like moved forward a bit, and i think that’s when the sides of our cars scratched. It was the back, left side for the guy, and our front right side, that made contact.

Now here’s the funny part, we were moving so slow down the car park, because there were so many cars trying to get out at the same time after the wedding. I was also busy talking with brother, that i didn’t even notice our cars knocked. I was ‘that’ inattentive tonight.

So our cars moved forward, and now our car is behind his car. And suddenly the driver from the car infront opened his door and came out. He look at the right side of our car, and the back left side of his car, and gave me a stare. I was like ‘huh? we hit?’ My brother went down, and he showed us the scratches. It was a few lines of white scratches on his car. And for our car, it’s like a few black lines. Basically our car was in worse condition, although it was just a few short 2cm dents and some scratches.

My brother ask them for their number, so we could get it repaired through our insurance thing. And of course i thought they would not want to waste of time going to our bengkel for such small scratches. They asked for Rp 300,000 to get it over quick. Now the cars behind are horning like mad because we were blocking their way, so we got in the cars and settled it by the side. Later, they said Rp 200,000. So i thought, sigh, just pay them i guess. I think it’s not terrible at all. Rp 300,000 is certainly too much. But since now they say it’s Rp 200,000 i guess it’s okay. No difference Rp 100,000 or Rp 200,000. So i took Rp. 200,000 out of my wallet, which is probably just nice what i had in it. And passed it to him.

Then at this moment my brother started trying to wipe the scratches off that guy’s car. And he wiped one line off, and proceeded to wipe the rest of as easily using just his fingers! Now of course me, that guy and his wife were all kind of stunned looking at this. And now the awkward situation comes. I just gave him the Rp 200,000. Now what do we do? Is he doing to return it to me? So my brother was like: “Actually, there is no damage now that we wiped it off” and it’s true. Turns out those scratches were nothing but paint that is so easy to wipe off even using the fingers. And there was no sign of even any damage on his car now!

The guy asked his wife what to do. The wife said: ok then, return him the money. He returned me the Rp 200,000 and even shook my hand. We said bye bye and went into our cars. Coincidentally we drive the same exact car, same exact color as the guy. I thank my brother in the car, i thought it was nothing short of miraculous that he managed to wipe off those scratches. I certainly wouldn’t have thought of doing that. My brother really saved me this time.

I am also thankful that although the couple seemed pretty fierce. They are actually reasonable people. They returned me the money when they saw there was no damages. I don’t think most people would have done that. So i am thankful more than anything. You can be assured that for the rest of the ride home I drove extremely safely.

So that was the whole incident. I think the cause of the incident was that i got too excited talking that I didn’t pay attention. I could feel from this morning that my attention is not very good. I am constantly thinking and not paying attention to my surroundings at all. And when you don’t pay attention you don’t drive well obviously. Luckily I am not the type who likes to ngebut (speed) on the road. I drive moderately slow all time because I feel like i can’t control the car well under high speed. So thanks to that the only accidents I ever encountered are those minor ones like scratching the sides of their backs. Although once I did knock into the back lights of taxi because he braked too quick and i tried to turn right to avoid but can’t.

So right now i feel guilty for getting myself too engrossed and excited that I ceased to pay attention to my surroundings. I find that these over-excited states are the ones that always gets me into trouble. I hope to able to control my excitement level from now on. Too excited = less rational and accurate.

On attention and excitement

So for as long as i can remember, i always had the worst attention span among friends. When reading a case study together, my friends would be on the 5th page and I’ll still be on page 3. It’s no surprise to me that i have poor attention span because i engage in the most ADD hobbies – watching videos all day and playing games a lot. This was literally my life from 14 years old until now.

I use to think that i have the ability to focus, i just need to try really hard, and i would regain my concentration. I found that that is not the case. A typical day of studying without any coffee, would be me staring at book for 1-2 hour, not getting over a few pages and end up going to sleep. So this went on and on until i gave up trying to focus ‘naturally’ and started taking coffee. Of course coffee did wonders. I never could finish an assignment without coffee. During exam period i would be drinking coffee everyday.

Nowadays, I opt to drink energy drinks instead of coffee. Sometimes i would drink coffee, and not feel it’s effects. Not that i am more immune to caffeine, it’s just that some coffee don’t have much effects on me. Also coffee makes you pee a lot, that alone would be reason enough for me to not want to drink coffee.

I read on a website today, that people who’ve taken drugs would have problem living normal lives even if they quit drugs. Why? Because the drugs have let them entered a high they will never experience any other way. That ‘high’ ruined their ‘reward’ part of the brain, which is the part which pumps out the feel good chemicals like dopamine. They have experienced so high an excitement level when taking drugs, all the other aspects of life becomes boring, even the supposedly happy times like when you meet up with friends, eat good food etc.

Now my point is this, could it be that too much entertainment, makes us less appreciative of the little things? I believe that a person who is constantly stimulated by games, videos, music etc. experience highs that are akin to taking drugs (although obviously not as strong). But when your brain is habitually excited, you will get bored more easily. And when you get bored easily, of course you can’t pay attention to the mundane stuff like work. So essentially, excessive excitement causes people to be more moody, and less happy about normal things. That is what i am trying to say. Therefore, it is better that we limit the amount of ‘excitement’ in our lives, so that we can enjoy more the little things.

No Umph

I don’t know why, i have this a lot in the mornings, i can’t motivate myself to do anything. This is why i am interested in psychology, because why is it that when we were younger, the littlest things gets us excited, but as we grow older, nothing gets us excited anymore.

Right now, around noon time, i am always at such a state that my thoughts are very bland. No matter what i decide to think about, be it my investing goals, or whatever, it doesn’t excite me. Like my thinking part of the brain has lost it’s connection with the emotion part of the brain. And when you have no emotions, you can’t possibly feel excited to do anything, or even feel good for that matter.

Now i have listed this post under psychology because i believe this is a psychological problem. I think that my brain lacks the so called feel good chemicals like adrenaline, dopamine. Or it is deficient in this area, because I find it hard to ’stimulate’ my brain to action. It’s very hard to describe the problem. Thinking itself is pretty hard, and foggy, I am not excited about anything, but i am also not depressed about anything, just that everything seems monotonous and bland. And i am only semi-conscious and daydreaming all the time.

It gets better from the evening on wards. I feel like the brain and emotions are functioning better at night. Probably blog again later at night to see how different i feel from the morning.

Emission and Receptivity

From the observation of the functioning of the brain in the normal state Dr.Vittoz developed his method. The brain works in alternation between emission and receptivity. Receptivity is the faculty which we have to receive the vibrations of the external world as well as those of our own body. This receptivity is objective and conscious. Emission is the ability, which we have, to constantly emit thoughts, words, gestures, images e.t.c. In order to emit well, and have sane and controlled thoughts, it is necessary first, to be able to receive correctly.

Now I know! all these time my brain has been in emission mode, i must practice receiving vibrations from the external world in order to maintain the proper functioning of the brain.

Brain oh Brain

When I do something, i often perform very well on the start, then my brain decide to shut down on me. It’s like that with Poker, it’s like that with Soccer, and it’s like that when i play video games. Beginning I’m always nervous excited, and when the game starts i actually play well, but 15-30 minutes in, and i will start to get distracted, and i can’t think. It’s annoying, whatever you call it, lack of concentration, easily bored, or just plain lazy to think. After this 15 minutes i will go into a vegetative state where my brain will just refuse to think. I just sit there and stare blankly.

Alamak how.. i am becoming more convinced that this is a family trait. Because my sis is like the blur-est person i know (apologies ci if you happen to read this), and i think my father and brother are also the type who ponders a lot. Or maybe it has nothing to do with genes, maybe it’s just that we have the same habits, and we are rather not active – mentally or physically.

I don’t know how i can return to tip top mental health.. sometimes after i drink coffee or red bull, i get this euphoric feeling, like I’m in heaven or something (ok exaggerated) but it feels great, i am focused and i think well, but this only last a couple of hours. But really i am not a fan of supplements.. i believe all sorts of supplements are quick fixes and it’s better to fix health naturally. It’s either the food i eat, the bad time i sleep, or lack of exercise. But I’m still convinced it’s lack of focus. Yet another psychological rambling blog.

Last note, i think being around friends and people who care is good for your health too. When you are around people who support you, there is less need to panic, and you feel generally more calm and happy. Of course being around people who are aggresive and confrontational does the opposite, that is why I hateee to be around people who are that way.