I just tilted playing poker just now. Not crazy throw money tilt, but half tilt. But more importantly, i have actually realised what causes me to tilt, so i can avoid it next time, or to leave when i am tilting.

I haven’t played poker for a week, not even a hand. And i have stopped playing poker because i am learning about stock trading. But just now, what started as a message on facebook with a friend, turned into a facebook poker session. I know most of you would be like no way… you’re complaining about tilting on facebook poker?! But yes i am. Because tilting happen anywhere, at any game, no matter high low or even play money.

I sat on a 20000/40000 table with 800000 chips, which is 20 big blinds, but trust me, 20 big blinds is above average stack on the table because almost everyone on facebook poker buy-in the minimum of 10 big blinds. I won a 4 way all in. I had ATo. Two people went all-in before me. On full tilt poker, i would fold this for sure, ATo is almost never good, because their shoving range would be like AQ+ 88+ at least. And ATo is definitely way behind. But since this is facebook poker… where it’s normal to see 4 people go all-in preflop, you gotta know their mad shoving range, which is usually A4+ K9+ They are not so good as to shove low pocket pairs, but i see all sorts of Kings and Aces being shoved. So my ATo is actually pretty good here. The first shover is nuts, and later on he actually open shoved J7o, so i know i was good here. The 2nd to act is a bit tighter, but still loose, i think a lot of the time she could have K9 KT KJ KQ Low Ace type of hand, which i am ahead of, so i call. But i get like 2 callers behind too. Shover held some junk hand, 2nd to act held A8o, I had ATo, other guy had K9 i think.

But the point of this post is to discuss my tilt. Soon i manage to double up because i had TT and flop a set. I had 1,800,000 on the table now. I banked the 1m in profits, and bought in 800,000 again. Too much money = ego = play loose = lose money. So i banked, and started with 800,000 again. Now from here onwards people on the table didn’t change and they tightened up a bit. They know my tight style and probably tightened up a bit themselves. I didn’t get any hand at all the whole hour i think, and with no action, i got bored and started getting distracted and uninterested in the game. This is when i half-tilted. I define tilt a bit differently – when not at the best state of mind to play at the level i am capable of.

Then came the deciding hand. I was dealt AJo at UTG+1. UTG open shoved. I think he might be full of it. As i said A4+ K9+. But then again, i had a feeling his hand is strong this time. But i still called, i can’t lay down AJo, it’s the best hand i had in an hour! One more guy called. 3 way into flop. Flop came low cards, no Ace no jack. Guy who called last won with QQ. I would say i tilted a bit here, and called with AJo. But i really wanted to see the UTG’s card. If he had like A8s ATo then i made a good call, but if he only shoves like that with AQ AK or TT+ i probably have made a terrible call. Either way i was on tilt, and i make these rationalised unrational decisions, i call them. Which are decisions i wouldn’t have made if i was calm and attentive, but when i am half-tilted, i would rationalise a call just to get action because i am impatient and on tilt.

Yes, i think my guilt is boredom, and lack of purpose in life. It would sound very exaggerating but it is. Boredom, as lack of motivation is caused by not doing what you is right for you based on your values. If you know what is right, and you still ignore and presist on the old path, you will be dissatisfied. I guess playing poker is not what i wanted to be doing just now. I could have done so many more things which would be more meaningful for me, like chatting with friends, catching up on news. Instead i slogged on playing poker, even when i stopped enjoying it after half an hour. It is funny i always enjoy the first hour of playing poker, and win much, and after that when my broedom kicks in i lose a lot back. So when i am faced with this situation next time, i would stop playing poker, and do something else. If i can play only 30minutes of enjoyable poker, i will only play 30 minutes. Life is more than one thing, one hobbby, or one person, one achievement, you gotta do things that are meaningful to you.

okay you can smell a long philosophical post coming, and so can i :)

I been reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” lately. And i have been thinking about concepts he has talked about like the “pain-body” and “ego” and “self” and i think it’s good that i read this book because i think i have whatever you call “an ego” or a certain selfishness.

Basically i find that i really hate it when “people don’t act in my self interest”. Which means people don’t do things the way i want them to. Of course when things turn out not the way it should, or the way i want/expect them to will also cause me to feel angry. This i believe is the same for everybody. Who can say they don’t feel sad after a failure? But Eckhart has taught the need for “Acceptance”. Which means even though you failed, or things didn’t turn out the way you want them to, you should “accept” instead of “reject” and not “be stucked in the past” because “the power is always in the present”. Accept the person who has mistaken you for something you didn’t do, do not “reject” or scold or seperate yourself from that person. Everyone goes through the same problems, but it’s better to “accept” rather than “react in self defence”.

So i find that when i get bad beated in Poker. For example, last night i flopped the nut straight and got sucked out on. Obviously i made the right play, but things didn’t turn out the way it “correctly” should. I feel like my “self” has been wronged. Like someone blaming you furiously for something you didn’t do, you feel like you are at the receiving end of negativity that you don’t deserve. I think that i sum it up pretty well there. When something terrible happens to you that you don’t deserve, your reaction is to dump this negativity some place else. And containing it will be insane, because rationally, we don’t deserve this negativity! And more often than not, the person who wronged you is the one you will throw this negativity back towards.

I still don’t know how to deal with these forced to receive negativity moments. In poker and in life, it’s just tough to deal with. Of course it’s easy to say accept and forgive. But it’s harder than you think. It’s like physically taking a punch in a the face, it’s very hard to ignore. And anger makes us “separated” from the whole. I learnt about separation from Eckhart and i find it a great concept. I am becoming aware that when i am angry or uncomfortable i feel “Separated” from the world, from everything, it’s all about me and what i’m unhappy about. On the other hand, being at peace and accepting of bad situations still keeps us “At One” with the source, and therefore will bring us more good. Also we shouldn’t keep alone. If you are alone for a few hours, i find you will experience this certain feeling of unease which probably is caused by “separation from the whole”. Therefore a person needs to go out and be around people and interact with people to stay “connected” to the whole. Only then will you receive more blessings.

I am beginning to understand better, and realise the deeper meaning of things wise men have said. And i remember Rockefeller in his letter to his son emphasize how eating well and rest is a religious duty. I now believe that without eating on time and resting well, i cannot advance in my pursuits, it’s really a spiritual duty to take care of our health. Thinking is not everything.

The most soothing art and music are those that allows our attention flow into them. Things that are good are always in form of a flow. Music is a play of this so called flow, in the form of tunes and beats, it dances along with our attention. The arts and all things beautiful facilitate flow. Because the object is nice and perfect, our mind has no chance for any intrusive inner voices, instead we keep a sort of quiet attention as we indulge in the object. And that short moment of flowing attention – we coin as happiness.

The more wake time i have, the harder to recall a dream. It is best to recall a dream just after you awake. But still it takes some effort to recall the details of the dream. I’ve always been fascinated by dreams, simply because it is so fantasy-like in nature, and it is the only time our consciousness gets to experience in another world. I can’t say that in a dream we experience something unreal, like it’s just in a dream world, because who is to say a world is unreal or real, the experience was real, it is as real as real life.

However, the thing that intrigued me after waking up from the dream was how strong my experience was in the dream, it’s like for that whole dream i had no concept of myself. There was no way to be self-aware in the dream. That is amazing. I think the experience was so real because for that moment self-awareness isn’t present – maybe that part of your brain that makes you realize what you are thinking and doing is shut down for the entire dream.

How can you possibly recall something from a dream? It’s just miraculous stuff. I mean, a dream is unreal, yet you get to recall it like recalling your past. And who is to say your past is real? Well, of course it’s real, i experienced it, you mean i didn’t live through yesterday? But you experienced your dream too, and it is ‘unreal’ because when you wake up you know the dream didn’t happen, and it is just an illusion that happened in your sleep.

The mind is indeed amazing. How it can create experiences without us opening our eyes. But really i can’t help but think, what if life is but a dream? What if one day you wake up, and bam! you are not in this world and you reflect on life and say like: Damn! that was one helluva dream! that is creepy isn’t it…

One last note, i think i spend too much waking time being too aware of my own thinking. It is really a bad habit! Experiences in the dream seems so simple, yet so full and real, because i haven’t the time to realize what i’m doing, i was just doing it.

I found out something this morning after another period of reflection, which you are bound to do with so much time on your hands and having no job. I found that all these time, it’s always been about myself. Even this blog is about myself. Thinking about my affairs, worry about doing anything that would potentially take something away from me – whether it’s my freedom, all the things i like, and my ‘image’ in the eyes of others.

Upon reflection, the happiest times seems to be those times when i have lost all self-consciousness while doing something. The times when i do badly, invariably are the times when I have too many uncontrolled thoughts running through my mind, and I am not focused at the task at hand. This is making me realise something, that maybe thinking for yourself is nothing but ego, and that attention should be directed towards a task till you forget yourself in the process and thus lose your ego/selfishness.