Random Topics #2

Too Many Games No Time to Play

I have been more than satisfied with my PSP purchase. I can’t believe I was hesitant on buying the PSP even on the day i planned to buy it. I felt like I might be bored with this thing in no time, just like any other thing. But I was wrong. I really enjoyed playing the games so far.

PSP Games I have tried and liked:

• Ridge Racer
• Scrabble
• Virtua Tennis 3
• Practical Intelligence Quotient 2

I know these are not exactly the most played games around. But they mean a lot to me personally.

Ridge Racer. I played this game when it was first out on Playstation 1. I like the game because it was  a simple driving game that i could play over and over again. The game on PSP has the same racetrack that i use to play so i was instantly glue-d to the game because of the memories it brought back. One new feature they included is the Nos/turbo/boost function. Other than that it’s to me just a better graphic version of the first Ridge Racer.

Scrabble. Ok I know a lot of people would puke (like my friend) when he saw that I had so many so called useless games. But these puzzles are actually very good in gameplay. For example, it look me no time to get glue-d onto Scrabble, of course again for personal memories reason. My English tuition teacher brought it for us to play when I was 8 or 9. And it made an instant impression on me. I loved the whole point system of the game. My mind will be totally absorbed on the board looking for possible ways to make use of the Double and (especially) Triple word Scores. So naturally, I would love playing this game on PSP.

Virtua Tennis 3. Doing these reviews, I am pretty sure I am quite stuck in my past lol. Scrabble and Ridge Racer are games i played in primary school. But Virtua Tennis is a game that first came out in the Arcade around 1999/2000. I was attracted to this game immediately because I play Virtua Striker obsessively (the soccer version of Virtua Tennis). Though to my disappointment I realize that I was not at all good at the game. I could never go past the 3rd/4th round. But the new story format on the PSP, and the beginning traning drills seems to me more like mini games, for example, shoot the ball onto a certain point, the closer you get to the bulls-eye the more points you collect. Enjoyed these games, would play more soon.

Practical Intelligence Quotient 2. Now this is a puzzle game to do with moving boxes around, so you can get to a target location. It’s just a 10×10 tile map, very small. And you have to think of how to reach a certain location by lifting boxes, piling them on top of each other, climbing on to them, and moving them around. According to the game, I am still very slow at completing these puzzles. I always get like D and take too long to solve the puzzles. They have a 100 puzzle list which I am doing right now. I have solved puzzles 1-20. Although I seriously got stuck twice. It was great to be stuck on one puzzle, and keeping thinking about how to solve it. And then i go to sleep. Try the puzzle out in the morning with a fresh mind, and solved it haha. I guess our brain is awesome in that way, it helps us solve the problems we can’t solve in our sleep, or at least organize the information received so that we could do better with it the next morning we wake up.

Of course I am missing out on the more prominent games, but so far I haven’t tried out all the games yet. I have played Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars and Tekken 6, but they seem good but not addictive. But I guess GTA is not bad, especially like the comic like drawings and music. I tried The Godfather and Silent Hill Origins but they don’t seem too special either. I finally backed-up and transfered “better” games into my psp to try out.  Games are: Dissidia, Crisis Core FF7, NBA 2K10, Assassin’s Creed Bloodlines and PES 2010. Tried Crisis Core for a bit, and really liking the graphics, kinda new to the gameplay but i think i would like it.

Mind & Spiritual

To be honest, I am already exhausted right now after writing the above. I feel like my mind is overloaded and I can’t write anymore. I don’t know why yet again. It seems like every time I do something, I tend to over-push myself, and I end up getting nervous. Even simple things like Writing. That is why I can never go writing over 1/2 pages before I get utterly overloaded, and worse of all I don’t know why! Maybe I should relax a bit.

These days I have been thinking about a lot of Spiritual things. Mainly that of Control. I believe that, from personal experience too, that over-controlling your life and things are responsible for miseries. I feel like the saddest times in my life come when I couldn’t do anything about something, or something didn’t go the way I wanted them to. In other words, i was losing control. But yesterday i meditated on ‘Control’ and decided that we should let go of control, and let go of our will and desires, and let everything be. Let God take control, and let yourself be part of his plan, instead of imposing your plan on everything and getting disappointed/sad/angry when things don’t go your way. Also people would be more friendly and talk to you when you don’t control yourself and other things too much. No one likes to get bossed around by another. Just be like a leaf or water, and sway and flow with everything that happens right now. Don’t harbor any extreme thoughts, think gently and kindly. Be soft and usually everything would miraculously end up to go the right way. It is in letting go of control that power comes. People who are hard on other people, are obsessed with control, and it cannot be that a person has control over everything, he is bound to meet with obstacles to teach him that fact that ‘your are not in control’. A truly wise man usually are the softest people. They don’t talk big, don’t boss people around, because they don’t try to control everything, everything seems to go the right way in their lives.

So i have been trying to control things less. I just bought a Bible last week, and it’s a very readable bible, and i have read a few pages of it here and there. I don’t know, but I like the feeling i get after reading the bible. I feel somehow more serene and collected. I think reading the bible would be a great new routine for me.

Stocks

I plan to post about stocks and charts soon. I think posting in this way would at the very least, help me make sense of my decisions. Also I could share it with whoever would come across this blog.

My plan for my portfolio right now is to wait for a clear uptrend after bouncing off a support. It seems that IHSG (Jakarta Composite) has failed to break the recent high of 2530. The support at 2500 also failed to hold. Now we are at 2480 or so. For now I don’t see the point of entering into positions because we are so close to resistance, being the 2530 mark. If we buy now let’s say, the index could go 50pts higher to 2530. On the other hand, we could see the index go down more than 50 pts from this point to 2400 or so. So this isn’t the most opportune time to enter most stocks. Exceptions occur of course with individual stocks. I would first wait for IHSG to past 2530, and when it seems comfortably above it, and 2530 has become support, I would enter. Of course this may or may not work lol but definitely the most logical way (most +EV way) i can think of.

I am going to start reading company annual reports, presentations and news so I could better understand the business and the fundamentals better. That’s it for this post, mind overloaded.

More Aware of my Tilting

I just tilted playing poker just now. Not crazy throw money tilt, but half tilt. But more importantly, i have actually realised what causes me to tilt, so i can avoid it next time, or to leave when i am tilting.

I haven’t played poker for a week, not even a hand. And i have stopped playing poker because i am learning about stock trading. But just now, what started as a message on facebook with a friend, turned into a facebook poker session. I know most of you would be like no way… you’re complaining about tilting on facebook poker?! But yes i am. Because tilting happen anywhere, at any game, no matter high low or even play money.

I sat on a 20000/40000 table with 800000 chips, which is 20 big blinds, but trust me, 20 big blinds is above average stack on the table because almost everyone on facebook poker buy-in the minimum of 10 big blinds. I won a 4 way all in. I had ATo. Two people went all-in before me. On full tilt poker, i would fold this for sure, ATo is almost never good, because their shoving range would be like AQ+ 88+ at least. And ATo is definitely way behind. But since this is facebook poker… where it’s normal to see 4 people go all-in preflop, you gotta know their mad shoving range, which is usually A4+ K9+ They are not so good as to shove low pocket pairs, but i see all sorts of Kings and Aces being shoved. So my ATo is actually pretty good here. The first shover is nuts, and later on he actually open shoved J7o, so i know i was good here. The 2nd to act is a bit tighter, but still loose, i think a lot of the time she could have K9 KT KJ KQ Low Ace type of hand, which i am ahead of, so i call. But i get like 2 callers behind too. Shover held some junk hand, 2nd to act held A8o, I had ATo, other guy had K9 i think.

But the point of this post is to discuss my tilt. Soon i manage to double up because i had TT and flop a set. I had 1,800,000 on the table now. I banked the 1m in profits, and bought in 800,000 again. Too much money = ego = play loose = lose money. So i banked, and started with 800,000 again. Now from here onwards people on the table didn’t change and they tightened up a bit. They know my tight style and probably tightened up a bit themselves. I didn’t get any hand at all the whole hour i think, and with no action, i got bored and started getting distracted and uninterested in the game. This is when i half-tilted. I define tilt a bit differently – when not at the best state of mind to play at the level i am capable of.

Then came the deciding hand. I was dealt AJo at UTG+1. UTG open shoved. I think he might be full of it. As i said A4+ K9+. But then again, i had a feeling his hand is strong this time. But i still called, i can’t lay down AJo, it’s the best hand i had in an hour! One more guy called. 3 way into flop. Flop came low cards, no Ace no jack. Guy who called last won with QQ. I would say i tilted a bit here, and called with AJo. But i really wanted to see the UTG’s card. If he had like A8s ATo then i made a good call, but if he only shoves like that with AQ AK or TT+ i probably have made a terrible call. Either way i was on tilt, and i make these rationalised unrational decisions, i call them. Which are decisions i wouldn’t have made if i was calm and attentive, but when i am half-tilted, i would rationalise a call just to get action because i am impatient and on tilt.

Yes, i think my guilt is boredom, and lack of purpose in life. It would sound very exaggerating but it is. Boredom, as lack of motivation is caused by not doing what you is right for you based on your values. If you know what is right, and you still ignore and presist on the old path, you will be dissatisfied. I guess playing poker is not what i wanted to be doing just now. I could have done so many more things which would be more meaningful for me, like chatting with friends, catching up on news. Instead i slogged on playing poker, even when i stopped enjoying it after half an hour. It is funny i always enjoy the first hour of playing poker, and win much, and after that when my broedom kicks in i lose a lot back. So when i am faced with this situation next time, i would stop playing poker, and do something else. If i can play only 30minutes of enjoyable poker, i will only play 30 minutes. Life is more than one thing, one hobbby, or one person, one achievement, you gotta do things that are meaningful to you.

Being Alone

okay you can smell a long philosophical post coming, and so can i :)

I been reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” lately. And i have been thinking about concepts he has talked about like the “pain-body” and “ego” and “self” and i think it’s good that i read this book because i think i have whatever you call “an ego” or a certain selfishness.

Basically i find that i really hate it when “people don’t act in my self interest”. Which means people don’t do things the way i want them to. Of course when things turn out not the way it should, or the way i want/expect them to will also cause me to feel angry. This i believe is the same for everybody. Who can say they don’t feel sad after a failure? But Eckhart has taught the need for “Acceptance”. Which means even though you failed, or things didn’t turn out the way you want them to, you should “accept” instead of “reject” and not “be stucked in the past” because “the power is always in the present”. Accept the person who has mistaken you for something you didn’t do, do not “reject” or scold or seperate yourself from that person. Everyone goes through the same problems, but it’s better to “accept” rather than “react in self defence”.

So i find that when i get bad beated in Poker. For example, last night i flopped the nut straight and got sucked out on. Obviously i made the right play, but things didn’t turn out the way it “correctly” should. I feel like my “self” has been wronged. Like someone blaming you furiously for something you didn’t do, you feel like you are at the receiving end of negativity that you don’t deserve. I think that i sum it up pretty well there. When something terrible happens to you that you don’t deserve, your reaction is to dump this negativity some place else. And containing it will be insane, because rationally, we don’t deserve this negativity! And more often than not, the person who wronged you is the one you will throw this negativity back towards.

I still don’t know how to deal with these forced to receive negativity moments. In poker and in life, it’s just tough to deal with. Of course it’s easy to say accept and forgive. But it’s harder than you think. It’s like physically taking a punch in a the face, it’s very hard to ignore. And anger makes us “separated” from the whole. I learnt about separation from Eckhart and i find it a great concept. I am becoming aware that when i am angry or uncomfortable i feel “Separated” from the world, from everything, it’s all about me and what i’m unhappy about. On the other hand, being at peace and accepting of bad situations still keeps us “At One” with the source, and therefore will bring us more good. Also we shouldn’t keep alone. If you are alone for a few hours, i find you will experience this certain feeling of unease which probably is caused by “separation from the whole”. Therefore a person needs to go out and be around people and interact with people to stay “connected” to the whole. Only then will you receive more blessings.

I am beginning to understand better, and realise the deeper meaning of things wise men have said. And i remember Rockefeller in his letter to his son emphasize how eating well and rest is a religious duty. I now believe that without eating on time and resting well, i cannot advance in my pursuits, it’s really a spiritual duty to take care of our health. Thinking is not everything.

Flow of Attention

The most soothing art and music are those that allows our attention flow into them. Things that are good are always in form of a flow. Music is a play of this so called flow, in the form of tunes and beats, it dances along with our attention. The arts and all things beautiful facilitate flow. Because the object is nice and perfect, our mind has no chance for any intrusive inner voices, instead we keep a sort of quiet attention as we indulge in the object. And that short moment of flowing attention – we coin as happiness.

Dreaming and Self-awareness

The more wake time i have, the harder to recall a dream. It is best to recall a dream just after you awake. But still it takes some effort to recall the details of the dream. I’ve always been fascinated by dreams, simply because it is so fantasy-like in nature, and it is the only time our consciousness gets to experience in another world. I can’t say that in a dream we experience something unreal, like it’s just in a dream world, because who is to say a world is unreal or real, the experience was real, it is as real as real life.

However, the thing that intrigued me after waking up from the dream was how strong my experience was in the dream, it’s like for that whole dream i had no concept of myself. There was no way to be self-aware in the dream. That is amazing. I think the experience was so real because for that moment self-awareness isn’t present – maybe that part of your brain that makes you realize what you are thinking and doing is shut down for the entire dream.

How can you possibly recall something from a dream? It’s just miraculous stuff. I mean, a dream is unreal, yet you get to recall it like recalling your past. And who is to say your past is real? Well, of course it’s real, i experienced it, you mean i didn’t live through yesterday? But you experienced your dream too, and it is ‘unreal’ because when you wake up you know the dream didn’t happen, and it is just an illusion that happened in your sleep.

The mind is indeed amazing. How it can create experiences without us opening our eyes. But really i can’t help but think, what if life is but a dream? What if one day you wake up, and bam! you are not in this world and you reflect on life and say like: Damn! that was one helluva dream! that is creepy isn’t it…

One last note, i think i spend too much waking time being too aware of my own thinking. It is really a bad habit! Experiences in the dream seems so simple, yet so full and real, because i haven’t the time to realize what i’m doing, i was just doing it.

Die Ego Die

I found out something this morning after another period of reflection, which you are bound to do with so much time on your hands and having no job. I found that all these time, it’s always been about myself. Even this blog is about myself. Thinking about my affairs, worry about doing anything that would potentially take something away from me – whether it’s my freedom, all the things i like, and my ‘image’ in the eyes of others.

Upon reflection, the happiest times seems to be those times when i have lost all self-consciousness while doing something. The times when i do badly, invariably are the times when I have too many uncontrolled thoughts running through my mind, and I am not focused at the task at hand. This is making me realise something, that maybe thinking for yourself is nothing but ego, and that attention should be directed towards a task till you forget yourself in the process and thus lose your ego/selfishness.