10.25.09
Emotionally Infected
Geez I hate it when someone makes me emotional. I just hate it. I see it as a form of manipulation unlike physical force. Instead of punching you in the face, someone can say some hurtful things that would wound you as bad, albeit emotionally.
I read on a blog yesterday that says that our level of happiness is inherently tied to the level of happiness of our family. That is true, but one part of me wants to disbelieve in that. I feel like some people just attract problems into their lives, and if you try to listen to their story, they would only b*tch to you about stuff that basically don’t need to be b*tched out. Such are the drama queens in this world, and i dislike this type of people. They use the fact that someone is listening to their story, to manipulate the story to incite some kind of emotions out of you, usually to incite you to hate the person he/she is hating. If you listen to their stories, you can’t help but get ‘infected’ with their emotions. From a normal emotional state, i suddenly become sad and feel heavy in my heart just listening to a person’s hateful story. I feel like an innocent bystander caught in the drama based on irrationality and untruths, and biases created by angry/egoic minds.
How come some people just can’t stop making enemies in their lives? And when they feel offended (even though it’s not warranted) they would spread their anger and hate into the people around them, often who has nothing at all to do with the problem. It’s okay to get angry and speak to someone else about it, but never let that anger consume you and make you blind to the real emotional effects you are causing other people. And guess what, usually since you’ve hurt people around you needlessly, karma is going to get you again. I have witnessed this again and again. In the past, when someone has mistreated me, i always feel so angry, that i do not deserve to be treated this way, or that the person could have been more sensitive to my feelings. But very soon, karma works its wheels, and some misfortune will befall on the person, and now he/she is at the receiving end of all the emotional hurts he/she has caused to the people around.
So can we do anything to help these people? These so called drama queens. I have tried listening to them (alot) and giving some advice here and there on what i think would be rational to do that would help solve the problem. But usually listening would only let their ego talk louder and they would continually b*tch about the other person. I don’t understand why people love to b*tch so much. Their lack of self-awareness cause them to be stuck at hating instead of on solving the problem. And when you give them honest opinions from a 3rd person’s point of view, they dismiss it and blame you instead for not siding with them. Such drama queens, their minds are set, and no longer open. Like the Chinese say, it’s like ‘playing music to a cow’. They won’t get it. They are furious and their minds are closed. There is no use talking to these people. If you get close to them, you only get caught up in their string of lies.
I am generally an emotionless person. I don’t react to things as emotionally as other people. I like it this way because i am of the belief that emotions are an impediment to rationality. And thus limiting emotions in life would be a good way to go about life in a controlled, rational manner. However i find it difficult to block out the emotions of others. I feel infected by their emotions. I feel it unfair that I have to go through what they have caused. I use to think that you can be friends with everyone, all it takes is a tolerance, but now i believe that some people are really unsave-able and it would be better if you just distance yourself from them as early as you can.
06.12.09
Judging
What does Judging mean? Aren’t we judging people wherever we go. If we aren’t judging and making sense of people and things, how do we cope? If we don’t judge something as bad, why would want something better? Advancement requires that we judge!
Don’t judge other people. I’m always been confused about this. How the hell do we not judge other people? Also how do we not judge ourselves (aka conscience)? We make decisions, and decisions itself means that there is a something better than something else, so there will always be something good and something not so good (or bad).
So if someone makes you angry. Is it wrong to judge that he has done something wrong to you? Is it wrong to reprimand him/her? Then what is the use of feelings? Why would you let someone step all over you when you have done nothing wrong. It’s wrong in fact for you to keep quiet. If someone has crossed the line, we shouldn’t accept it, we shouldn’t ignore it (thinking it’s better to not create conflict), we should confront the other person so that he/she realises his/her fault. Because awareness is the next step from ignorance, by letting a person go on unaware of his/her wrongdoing might look like it’s the best thing to do, but this pent up emotion will snowball and before you know it boom, you’ll explode. And everyone rather have 10 minor tremors than one big explosion. It’s not good for you or for anybody. So if someone has done something that affects you, confront him or her, it would do both of you good.
I guess i am ranting because being so sensitive as i am, i often find little things people do (and don’t realise) offensive. When people speak to me in a condescending tone, i really hate it. Or if people don’t care about me, i am really dissapointed, and will think about it a lot. I guess these things are also caused by my having no work to do, so i will mull over past events again and again (and now staying in the present). But feelings from the past stick with you in the present, and you can’t help but keep thinking over it, thinking what was wrong.
I guess i am kind of rambling here, a little out of rage. I had it from other people that i am way too sensitive and can’t take any criticism. I guess it’s true. People don’t seem to want to criticize me because maybe they sense i take things very seriously. I am increasingly not getting along with people, actually i can safely say i have no friends. I never had friends actually. Since secondary school, i have never been close to someone that i can tell him/her my inner most thoughts. I guess we are not on the same though level. I think of so many unique things that no one will understand. Either i’m half a genuis or that i’m just wierd crazy. I don’t know, people say that… yes you know what i’m going to say… it’s a fine line between genius and madness.
But the next step for me definitely is definitely, whenever someone makes me feel uncomfortable, i am going to hint it to him to make him realise that he/she is doing something inappropriate – i’ve tried this a few times before and it didn’t end up any good. But i will continue in pointing out people’s mistakes. So maybe people will start pointing out my mistakes instead of just back, avoiding conflict (as usual). I read that avoiding conflict and not speaking your true feeling about someone, is the leading cause of all conflicts. Ironic huh? Avoiding conflict is never the solution, it only builds rocks inside than will build up into a volcano and you’ll erupt.
12.14.08
Minds Attract
I think i may be too philosophical, maybe it’s a bad thing, like you make up some theories on otherwise normal things that happen in life. This may lead me to think of divine will, my rights and wrongs, other people’s rights and wrongs, of self-interest or self-sacrifice for others, of feelings and what causes us to feel this way. I guess I am a more inward looking person, whether by nature or by habit, I am very aware of what i think and what i feel, till the point i am not receptive of what people say sometimes, not that i don’t want to listen to them, but just that I just couldn’t receive what is being said.
Back to the story, i just focus now on getting my PR. and my philosophical mind keeps saying that i have to be one-minded in this task, and since every endeavour requires a sacrifice, i shall sacrifice my comfort, and my otherwise daily habits such as playing Poker and YouTube. My philosophical mind keeps saying that if my mind is on several things, there is not enough thought power to attract what i want? Or the non ‘The Secret’ version will be if you don’t work hard on what you want, soon you be distracted and will lack motivation to do what you set out to.
It’s funny that when i focus on something, suddenly i’m brought to people, or people suddenly come to me. It’s so crazy sometimes, i don’t believe it’s coincidence anymore? Like there was this day i told myself i want to focus on Poker, then later on in the day, i received a phone call from a friend overseas who is here for a week, and guess what, this the one of the few friends i know who actually likes Poker. Then i thought to myself “Oh My God” was this set up by a sort of divine will or is it destiny or fate. So i make sure to realize my friend was here because of our interest in Poker and God knows what else, but if there is such thing as Divine Will, then events and people are usually brought to you for a higher purpose than you realize. So i mentioned Poker, and he said he’s been playing a lot in the casino lately, and then we talked at lengths about Poker and later we watched some Warcraft videos on my comp. I guess people who are competitive tends to love the same stuff, sports and games. I knew this friend from playing soccer, and we happen to play the same online computer game (DOTA..) and now stopped playing that and moved to Poker, and none of us told each other to do so, it’s in our nature?! But sometimes i think if being competitive is a bad thing, cos you fighting others for your self, instead of the serve everybody’s interest that is considered noble. Now you know the bad thing about philosophical thinking, you just keep on thinking about these stuff that have no definite answers to them.
Yesterday i set my mind to get my PR and any full-time job, then suddenly I was eating with my friends’ friends who all got jobs already. Then i begin to think, okay maybe i was placed here again? Might be thinking too much, sometimes i just wish i can think 80% less. Maybe i would be more productive. Ya anyway as usual i can’t open my mouth around people i don’t know, i’m always thinking better be silent than say something that might offend them. But i think i should get out of my self more, cos its always better to be actively engaged in something than being static & worrying. I still feel quite uncomfortable around people i just met. But i found out this yesterday, that i won’t talk unless i am asked. I don’t feel impelled to contribute to the conversation unless the topic interests me (which is rare). But the worse thing to happen to me i think, is to be ignored, like no one addresses you or mentions you. I feel sort of unworthy, and what makes being unnoticed worse is when you are unnoticed even when among friends! c’mon what can be more sad than that. Maybe my mind is just unfocused and not in tune to whatever people say usually, especially if it doesn’t concern me, or not addressing me. Doesn’t that just ring of self-interest. Maybe i should be more willing to do things for others even if it has no benefit or does not even concern me. You only get what you give?
10.30.08
Happily Confused
Hmm after having a chat with two friends I just wanna say this.. that nothing beats the feeling of having a great conversation over things that interests both parties. That one mind is only capable of little, but two minds working towards the same goal brings added strength and motivation. It’s really hard to explain, but i know now the happiness of having friends who share similar ideas and goals.
However I’m still confused over which career path to take. Right now I got some cakes laid out infront of me, and I must buy one of the cakes. But right now someone is reaching out a chocolate cake for me at an 50% discount. And note i never like chocolate cakes! But since I’m hungry and short for cash, the chocolate cake looks like an offer I can’t refuse. But I know I don’t like chocolate cakes, and I might not even enjoy eating it. But then again I might like it once i try it. But I never liked chocolate cakes! I rather buy the vanilla for full price lah… but then again I don’t feel nice towards the person who’s offered me chocolate at 50% off.. and maybe it doesn’t matter what cake i buy, maybe what matters is who i eat the cake with..
10.28.08
Dear Friend
Met up with a primary school good friend who I haven’t seen for ages. The type of friend you know you should keep in touch with, but yet due having not met up in a long time, think maybe we don’t have much in common anymore.
Received a message asking “You play poker? Bro I’m crazy about poker too!” he was responding to my MSN nickname which wrote “WSOP 20008 final table Darus Suharto from Indo!” So with nothing but Poker and a lot to catch up, we met up. How magical don’t you think? Friends who haven’t been talking for years, yet a simple message can lead to us meeting up for supper in a matter of 30 minutes.
We talked about the normal things people in their early 20s talk about – university life, career options and of course other people. I hope it was a good meet up session my friend, wish you all the best, even though i didn’t say that to you upfront. Instead of being old friends that just drift away, i hope our friendship would last for a life time. Thats all an old friend can wish for right.
