How to Criticize Constructively

I just realize what really gets on my nerves:

When someone is wrong, but speaks in a tone like he/she has made up his/her mind, and will not listen anymore.

Anyone who is closed minded in that sense, I really hate. Sure, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And everyone will have opinions that are far from the truth. It is our duty to find truth in life, to change our opinions to closely resemble truth.

A mild example would be when someone says something like he knows it to be true, but I happen to think otherwise. Me and my friend W tend to get into such small arguments. Where we are talking about something not important. For example, last week we argued a little about whether Ziigmund uses his own avatar or the ninja avatar. W said he uses his own avatar, but I clearly watched with my own eyes him playing against Isildur1 with both having ninja avatars. Anyway it might be that he uses his own avatar at times, and the ninja avatar at times. So most probably both of us are right. When you are sure about something, and someone differs from your opinion, that’s when you tend to want to defend your own opinion. And I believe the opinion closer to the truth will emerge victorious in the end.

A more serious example, or the kind that really gets on my nerves, is when someone says something wrong but wouldn’t listen anymore to other opinions. He/She might say for example: The Sun revolves around the Earth! Full stop! *And changes the subject and not caring about what you have to say* This is an exaggerated example but it sort of portrays the closed minded attitude that gets on my nerves, and I think most peoples’ nerves.

The more the subject is closer to you, the more angrier you will get. For example, someone might say to you angrily: “Why do you keep doing this again and again, you are Useless, there’s no hope for you.” Such negative labeling like saying you are lazy, stupid, useless is the most hurtful. The sadest thing is that the person has made up his mind that to him/her you are not who you are, but you that ugly thing called LAZY or STUPID or USELESS. A person is always more than his mistakes. Tiger Woods can knock his car into a tree outside his house, but if someone will label him as “STUPID”. Is that fair? He is the best golfer in the world and you are labeling him Stupid just for one isolated incident?

What people should do is to criticize the action, and leave the person with his/her dignity. You could say: “That was careless of Tiger to not notice the tree outside his house, he should have been more careful when driving.” Something like that. You can criticize him for being careless at that time. You don’t go out and label Tiger as Stupid just because of that moment. A person is more than a moment. He is capable of more than his mistakes in life. Everyone will make mistakes, but he/she will move on and learn from that mistake, becoming the best person he/she has ever been from then on, before the next mistake, and the next improvement.

By labeling someone as Useless, Stupid, you are placing a full stop to his life, and labeling him as Useless and Stupid, incapable of improvement. And that is obviously not true. Seek to use more ‘moment criticisms’ instead of ‘people criticisms’. By criticizing that moment someone did something wrong, you are giving him a chance to improve. But if you label someone negatively, the person will receive it as he/she has no hope anymore, because he/she is just that label – useless, stupid.

I wonder the impact of these criticisms on young kids who are still growing up. Their mind are not fully developed, but very receptive, hence they would accept any opinion good or bad that come their way. Negatively labeling by parents will definitely erode their self-esteem, and the kid will grow up with a largely negative view of himself, and his life.

Emotionally Infected

Geez I hate it when someone makes me emotional. I just hate it. I see it as a form of manipulation unlike physical force. Instead of punching you in the face, someone can say some hurtful things that would wound you as bad, albeit emotionally.

I read on a blog yesterday that says that our level of happiness is inherently tied to the level of happiness of our family. That is true, but one part of me wants to disbelieve in that. I feel like some people just attract problems into their lives, and if you try to listen to their story, they would only b*tch to you about stuff that basically don’t need to be b*tched out. Such are the drama queens in this world, and i dislike this type of people. They use the fact that someone is listening to their story, to manipulate the story to incite some kind of emotions out of you, usually to incite you to hate the person he/she is hating. If you listen to their stories, you can’t help but get ‘infected’ with their emotions. From a normal emotional state, i suddenly become sad and feel heavy in my heart just listening to a person’s hateful story. I feel like an innocent bystander caught in the drama based on irrationality and untruths, and biases created by angry/egoic minds.

How come some people just can’t stop making enemies in their lives? And when they feel offended (even though it’s not warranted) they would spread their anger and hate into the people around them, often who has nothing at all to do with the problem. It’s okay to get angry and speak to someone else about it, but never let that anger consume you and make you blind to the real emotional effects you are causing other people. And guess what, usually since you’ve hurt people around you needlessly, karma is going to get you again. I have witnessed this again and again. In the past, when someone has mistreated me, i always feel so angry, that i do not deserve to be treated this way, or that the person could have been more sensitive to my feelings. But very soon, karma works its wheels, and some misfortune will befall on the person, and now he/she is at the receiving end of all the emotional hurts he/she has caused to the people around.

So can we do anything to help these people? These so called drama queens. I have tried listening to them (alot) and giving some advice here and there on what i think would be rational to do that would help solve the problem. But usually listening would only let their ego talk louder and they would continually b*tch about the other person. I don’t understand why people love to b*tch so much. Their lack of self-awareness cause them to be stuck at hating instead of on solving the problem. And when you give them honest opinions from a 3rd person’s point of view, they dismiss it and blame you instead for not siding with them. Such drama queens, their minds are set, and no longer open. Like the Chinese say, it’s like ‘playing music to a cow’. They won’t get it. They are furious and their minds are closed. There is no use talking to these people. If you get close to them, you only get caught up in their string of lies.

I am generally an emotionless person. I don’t react to things as emotionally as other people. I like it this way because i am of the belief that emotions are an impediment to rationality. And thus limiting emotions in life would be a good way to go about life in a controlled, rational manner. However i find it difficult to block out the emotions of others. I feel infected by their emotions. I feel it unfair that I have to go through what they have caused. I use to think that you can be friends with everyone, all it takes is a tolerance, but now i believe that some people are really unsave-able and it would be better if you just distance yourself from them as early as you can.

Judging

What does Judging mean? Aren’t we judging people wherever we go. If we aren’t judging and making sense of people and things, how do we cope? If we don’t judge something as bad, why would want something better? Advancement requires that we judge!

Don’t judge other people. I’m always been confused about this. How the hell do we not judge other people? Also how do we not judge ourselves (aka conscience)? We make decisions, and decisions itself means that there is a something better than something else, so there will always be something good and something not so good (or bad).

So if someone makes you angry. Is it wrong to judge that he has done something wrong to you? Is it wrong to reprimand him/her? Then what is the use of feelings? Why would you let someone step all over you when you have done nothing wrong. It’s wrong in fact for you to keep quiet. If someone has crossed the line, we shouldn’t accept it, we shouldn’t ignore it (thinking it’s better to not create conflict), we should confront the other person so that he/she realises his/her fault. Because awareness is the next step from ignorance, by letting a person go on unaware of his/her wrongdoing might look like it’s the best thing to do, but this pent up emotion will snowball and before you know it boom, you’ll explode. And everyone rather have 10 minor tremors than one big explosion. It’s not good for you or for anybody. So if someone has done something that affects you, confront him or her, it would do both of you good.

I guess i am ranting because being so sensitive as i am, i often find little things people do (and don’t realise) offensive. When people speak to me in a condescending tone, i really hate it. Or if people don’t care about me, i am really dissapointed, and will think about it a lot. I guess these things are also caused by my having no work to do, so i will mull over past events again and again (and now staying in the present). But feelings from the past stick with you in the present, and you can’t help but keep thinking over it, thinking what was wrong.

I guess i am kind of rambling here, a little out of rage. I had it from other people that i am way too sensitive and can’t take any criticism. I guess it’s true. People don’t seem to want to criticize me because maybe they sense i take things very seriously. I am increasingly not getting along with people, actually i can safely say i have no friends. I never had friends actually. Since secondary school, i have never been close to someone that i can tell him/her my inner most thoughts. I guess we are not on the same though level. I think of so many unique things that no one will understand. Either i’m half a genuis or that i’m just wierd crazy. I don’t know, people say that… yes you know what i’m going to say… it’s a fine line between genius and madness.

But the next step for me definitely is definitely, whenever someone makes me feel uncomfortable, i am going to hint it to him to make him realise that he/she is doing something inappropriate – i’ve tried this a few times before and it didn’t end up any good. But i will continue in pointing out people’s mistakes. So maybe people will start pointing out my mistakes instead of just back, avoiding conflict (as usual). I read that avoiding conflict and not speaking your true feeling about someone, is the leading cause of all conflicts. Ironic huh? Avoiding conflict is never the solution, it only builds rocks inside than will build up into a volcano and you’ll erupt.