Sh*t before Job

What does the title mean?

It simply means you will be thrown sh*t before you can get your job.

Since I graduated. There are a few critical  moments when I was about to make progress, and make a career.

First time. I got a phone call and was invited to an interview with an Insurance company. At that time, I was very desperate to get a job because if not my parents said they were pulling us (me and sis) back to Jakarta. I thought that wasn’t an option, so I applied with this insurance company, even though I really did not want to. I had no choice. I was with a good friend A and my sister that evening, wondering if I should take the job. I felt very sad, but no one else seemed to feel sad for me. I was sad that no one felt my sadness with me. I felt like sh*t that night.

So soon i went to apply with that Insurance company. But that morning before I went to accept their offer, my father angrily wanted to me to clean all the windows in our house. WTF? I find it wierd because i never clean anything before, and of all days, he picked today for me to clean all the windows in our house. Sh*t again. I cleaned the windows and went to the interview. I didn’t get the job because they found out I wasn’t a PR. So that didn’t go through.

So it was next year and I started working at my dad’s friend’s battery store. This was the very first time i had a direct to customer job. It was a small store with no air-con and no place to sit. However it was okay for the experience, I actually enjoyed getting familiar with the batteries. However, after 1 week of working there, I felt like i wanted to open my own store. And guess what, before I could do anything about it, parents had a big quarrel. I quit the job.

Then mom decided to open a clothing store. The day before the opening of the store guess what, dad came up with something, and they quarreled again. The reason is often so ridiculous I don’t even remember what it is all about.

This happened again and again. Every time I had an idea to start some business, or to start on a career, dad will miraculously get angry over something, and mom and dad will quarrel. I am so tired of this. And was also shocked at the perfect timing each time. Whenever I am about to make progress, sh*t happens. I start to think that God is telling me – if you want to move ahead in life, you have to get past this problem in your family first. And how am I suppose to solve this problem?!? Scold my parents?! I tried telling my mom to stop resisting dad when he is angry, but end up I got scolded so bad by my mom for suggesting this. My dad doesn’t talk to me, and we have zero communication other than him scolding me, or warning me about something. I feel sad over our relationship. Whenever he gets into a quarrel or gets angry, what can I do about it? Scold him?! So the only thing I could do probably is to tell them to stop it. But they keep on starting it again and again. Childish sh*t.

This is such a depressing and angry post, but I HAVE TO POST THIS. This has been my life for the last few years, the least I could do is to express it in words.

I am so tired of my parents quarreling. I am already having this problem of applying for jobs, yet they must add another problem to me at the worst time by quarreling. I can’t take all this negativity anymore. My voice will stammer and I feel like I would cry over all these burden. Of course I don’t physically cry but I feel so shocked inside. I don’t know what this feeling is. I can’t take all these negativity. I am not a boat for another’s negativity. I can’t even handle my own problems, please don’t overload me with more problems and drama.

So tonight I was writing an email to apply to a job my mom’s banker referred to me. It is a job with a local securities company. So as I was busting my head on how to word my job application email. My mom and dad had to quarrel over “me going to take a photo to submit for my job application”. They had asked for a photo. And my mom was looking for one, and my dad said i should go take a photo now, which was like 2 hours ago at 7pm. Then somehow they started getting into an argument, shouting at each other. With my dad saying my mom is being rude to him. WTF.

Sh*t happens whenever I am trying to make progress. I swear. EVERYSINGLETIME. Why God is it always this way. I hope I am being crazy and over-reacting here. I just can’t handle being around angry people this way. I just can’t handle so much drama.

So i just did my application anyhow, and sent it to the person. The job doesn’t matter to me now. I was so affected emotionally by my parents’ quarrel I couldn’t think rationally anymore. I was incapable of rationality at that moment. The job application wasn’t important anymore. So what took me 1 hour to word, I finished it in 10-20 seconds and sent it away.

I hope i don’t experience this type of sh*t everyday. I just can’t take it.

Rant Post

Okay this is just a rant post. I really have no topic in mind, just felt like there are randoms things I would like to express.

Loud and Insensitive People

I especially can’t take people who talk loud and about stupid things I don’t care about. Especially insensitive comments. It’s okay if they say it normally. But when people talk loud, I just can’t stand it. Maybe I am sensitive to sounds. I certainly can’t stand being in a crowded place like a mall for more than 1-3 hours, it gets really uncomfortable for me for some reason. But then again if I don’t go out I feel cooped up, and 1-3 hours at a mall is a great release. But anything more will only be detrimental. I just want to say that, through my observation, people who are loud and talk before they think, are usually the most thoughtless (nice way of saying stupid) people. Since I am the direct opposite. Someone who thinks a lot before I do things, I especially don’t appreciate loud & insensitive people.

Back to Stocks

So now that my poker stint is over, although I will still play from time to time, I feel like I am going back to stock trading again. Not that it’s a ‘legit’ job. I mean it just takes 1 minute for someone to buy stocks and be “in the business”. But to buy stocks in a +EV manner, it requires a lot of research and hard work (just like anything else). If you are given $2000 to start with, it would be good to play poker. I would play at 0.25/0.50 or 0.50/1.00. With a decent winrate of 2BB/100, and playing 50,000 hands a month. You could pocket $1000 a month for a huge 50% gain. However, if you are given $20,000. You probably couldn’t replicate this same success at 5/10 (Unless you’re nanonoko) I don’t know what the word is for it, but I think it’s called ‘leverage’. Your earnings in poker can’t be leveraged with more money, as opposed to stocks. You could argue that you could leverage more money in poker, just play the higher stakes! But no, that is gambling. Trying to earn money where we don’t have an edge is risky, no matter the amount of money, but even when it is big! But with stocks, you could earn the same rate with $20,000 as with $2000. Because the average person trades for that much, and the average poker player don’t play for $20,000.

On Energy

This morning i woke up and felt really tired and with a bad mood. And these are the possible reasons:

1) only had 6 hours of sleep

2) the old air-conditioner in my room is stuffing up my nose, thus can’t breathe

3) i went to sleep the previous night hungry

So these are the possible reasons why i didn’t feel good after waking up today. Lack of sleep, lack of fresh air, lack of food. Hmm, all are possible reasons. I am more inclined to say number 2 for now, because I have been waking up with bad stuffed nose when i use the room air-condition. The lack of sleep definitely factored in to the dazed feeling, and hunger probably didn’t matter that much because i ate a donut and milk as soon i woke up.

New Specs & PSP Games

Today I am going to get myself new specs. My specs of 5 years is finally giving in. The nose support thing came off. Although i manage to glue it back on, I have thought for a long time to buy new specs. I don’t know what kind of specs to get yet, but i plan to get one of those no rim specs, i mean those lenses without a frame around it. I guess I shall call it the Bae Yong Jun specs for simplification lol.

Also i plan to get myself a bunch (prolly 20) PSP games. For all outside Indonesia who are mistakenly thinking I’m a rich brat, I am refering to pirated ISOs (not UMD) of these games which sell for USD$0.50 each and are transfered straight to the Memory Stick. I doubt I will play all the games, just want to try them out since they are highly recommended games on PSP. The games i am excited to see are: Crisis Core & Dissidia – both Final Fantasy, Monster Hunter Freedom Unite, Assasins Creed II and God of War: Chains of Olympus.

Back!

Ok I’m back to blogging now after leaving this blog for like half a year? I am posting again because yes, i’m play poker. I guess i don’t quit that easily… I want to do other things but i don’t know, i guess my mind is poker-filled already. HELP. I am not a gambling addict, i just crave action! I don’t know, i feel bored too easily and look for excitement in sports and games.

I am back to bloggin because i just read some pro poker players’ blogs and i’m surprised that so many of them blogs! I guess poker players are more self-evaluating people, so they tend to be people who keep personal notes of themselves? I am definitely this type. Also it is very shocking to find out how many poker players were athletes! I guess that again is another trait i possess, although i was never near professional in standard in any games, i have always loved all sports and play many sports. I probably above average in like most sports.

Anyway i am getting more out of point here.  I just want to say that i will be playing poker from now on, putting in some time each day to play poker, and other times for a new endeavour – investing. I am just starting out, and really clueless and know no people to discuss with? which sucks. at least i got a couple of poker friends. But a true serious discussion partner is very rare, but i think the best thing that you can have in your career. I am learning the basic chart patterns like support resistance those kind of things, i hope i don’t lose momentum, it can get really boring sometimes and i don’t have the best attention span (pretty bad actually). I have my parent’s approval for investing, which is the most i can hope for actually, very comforting actually. First time my self-interest is being supported by both my parents. I think i don’t have anything else to worry about now but to do my best, but that in itself is very difficult, i haven’t been putting in sustained effort in anything for a long time. That’s it, i don’t think this blog post is very structured but i think it should be okay. touched on the things i wanted to discuss at least.

Next blog will be the poker part.

$1 SNG 2-tabling NL1

SNGs haven’t been good for me.

 

86918513	Apr 08 17:04ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go		$1.00 + $0.25	9	2	$2.70
86918499	Apr 08 17:04ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	5	–
86914941	Apr 08 16:31ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go		$1.00 + $0.25	9	6	–
86914930	Apr 08 16:31ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	4	–
86910703	Apr 08 15:53ET	$2 + $0.25 Sit & Go		$2.00 + $0.25	9	6	–
86910736	Apr 08 15:52ET	$2 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$2.00 + $0.25	9	6	–
86905626	Apr 08 15:06ET	$2 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$2.00 + $0.25	9	3	$3.60
86905609	Apr 08 15:04ET	$2 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$2.00 + $0.25	9	5	–
86686372	Apr 06 19:42ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	6	–
86686344	Apr 06 19:42ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	3	$1.80
86680911	Apr 06 18:58ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	4	–
86667703	Apr 06 17:07ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	1	$4.50
86663191	Apr 06 16:29ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	4	–
86661106	Apr 06 16:11ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	8	–
86657452	Apr 06 15:44ET	$1 + $0.25 Sit & Go (Turbo)		$1.00 + $0.25	9	4	–
86392667	Apr 04 13:05ET	Super Sat to the Double Deuce		$0.75 + $0.15	9	6	–

 

Total Buy-in: $23.65

Total Profit: $12.60

Net Profit: -$11.05

 

Satellites

I have no idea why i played on the $0.75 Satellite. I thought it was a $0.75 cent SNG. I don’t really like Satellites and FTP tourneys because i don’t understand them yet. I just want a straight forward tournament. A tourney to enter another tourney, and there are so many different tourneys. One thing also is that these tourneys take hours to complete and i don’t think i want to spend so much time on something i can hardly win. I haven’t played much of these big scale tourneys, probably about 5 of these in the micro stakes. Always finish like 40-50%.

SNG

Back to my SNGs i can’t help but say i been sucked out on. I don’t remember ever going into a hand and literally sucking out someone. Unless it’s minor like 57-43. But i lietrally have been sucked out on 80-20 70-30. U know, one live card and he pairs. But without a software like letting me know my “unluckyness” i can’t get it out of my heads why i’m going so badly. Pisses me off the $2.25 SNG i played and was in a good position, like top 3 with 6 left, and i just lost both tables against freakish hands. Why, i could’ve at least gotten $1.35 if i come 3rd on one table, but no, $0. I guess i am bad beat whining again, so easy to say sometimes to “move on” from bad beats but when it happens, it’s just tough on the mind. I guess i gotta keep on playing?

FT SNG vs PS SNG

All these SNGs are played on FT. I think FT is way tougher than Pokerstars. I started on pokerstars and remember i was breakeven or slightly losing. But now that i play on FT, i just can’t win in the cash games, except recently, will elaborate on that later. So i played the SNG on FT and they are easy at first, because i was running really good too. If you read like this post on january 25th, i played 5 SNGs, and finished 1 2 2 3 5. That’s really awesome looking back because now i’m 4 8 4 1 4 3 6 4 6 5 2 (in order) which becomes 1 2 3 4 4 4 4 5 6 6 8. That 4 4 4 4 really hurt me. But is my bubble play really that bad? I definitely know that my mid game is really bad. When it is 6 or 7 handed i don’t know what to do, which hands to play. I often become looser, and try to c-bet or bluff and get into trouble from there. I guess i should stick to what i know – playing tight. I have become way too experimental recently, coupled with bad luck, and that translates into a number of non-cashes. But back to the main point, i think FT SNG are tougher than PS SNGs. The players on FT are better imo, both in cash games and SNG. I mean the top level CGs are played on FT, i doubt there are that many high stakes games in PS. PS is just a lot of games and MTT i guess. Anyway i just think i have a harder time playing on FT. When i play on PS there are quite a number of donkey players, but on FT it is quite rare. I don’t know, i could very well play on a weaker site like CD Poker(?) which i have a $50 free deposit too. Have to keep on playing these games i can’t really beat so i can improve.

2-tabling NL1

The only reason why i am playing cash games at all is because of this promotion called Take 2. It says if you 2 table any ring games for 5 days straight you get a bonus, 10 days straight you get $25 bonus. But since i only have exactly 5 days left in this period i need to play every single day. The first session i played with my friend, Will. I guess we were about breakeven. I was up 70% on one, and down a little on the other. Then all of a sudden i lost with AA on a x x 10 J A board. He held QK, i shud’ve known and shud’ve betted more, but the way it went and hitting top set really blinded me to straight possibility, i need to be more straight aware seriously. I am a bit numbers blind sometimes. Anyway i doubled up on one, and broke on the other one. That’s how it went. The 2nd day, yesterday, i was running like crazy on one, while going broke twice on the other one, what the hell. But i know it’s not my fault. I slowplayed TT on a 4 x T 4 Q board. And shoved river, he showed Queens. Well i could’ve known, but no way i was gona bet to prevent a 2 outer on the river. Then bought in again, raise reraise shove call. My KK vs his QQ. XXXXQ. Gone again another buy-in. So 5x buy-in is nonsense. You can’t survive with that kind of management. 10x is even questionable. But 20x is good i think, safe enough to play without fear of variance. So yesterday i finished with $4.75 on left table. Right table -$3.60 i think. Because i ended up with $1.10 in profit. So thats 1 buy-in profit for 2 hours.

Singapore

Going back to singapore again (unexpectedly) for about 2 weeks. Which is GREAT! I miss playing the home games at friends’ and i get to meet W, my poker partner. I don’t know how much i should play, but i gotta spend my time properly, and download as much as possible. My net is still running there so i gotta make full use of it, planning downloads etc. I also gona play online all-day, and home games as much as possible. I might even go on the cruise again. We’ll see. I’ll try to make full use of this trip to play poker. But i am afraid i would spend too much while i’m there and get my BR crushed. Especially if i go on the cruise and bust $1k like one of my friend did. It’s unbelievable but really likely. If i run so bad online, like 2 buyin gone through no fault, why can’t it happen in real life. Plus i am not rolled enough for it. I took a shot with $600. And came home lucky with $259. But to be honest i need like 10x the buyin if i gona play without nervousness. Which is $3000 at least. I just don’t got that money for Poker. Which means i should be playing only $100  $200 buyin games.

Overall on Poker and Career

Still pretty confused. I want to go all out but yet i question my ability and whether it is the right thing to do. I am afraid i would become a really selfish person in such an individualistic occupation. I play myself, to earn for myself, it’s all self self self. And maybe that’s why i’m attracted to poker… cause i’m attracted to self-gain aka selfish. I want to be more selfless. Like maybe teaching and providing some good product or service for others. It feels good without including ’self’ in it. I been thinking, if i am going to play poker, i am going to keep it as non-self as possible. I want to have poker groups and buddies, like we are a team kinda like in soccer etc. At least you are playing for the team, not just for yourself. Basically be more community minded. Making friends and improving together instead of being stuck in my own situation. If i ever not make it in poker, which i shouldn’t be thinking about if i plan on going all out, but if i think it’s not rationally practical to move on, i will move on to computer programming. I been pretty interested in it for sometime. Gosh i knew i wanted to do computer/media back in college but never made the hard move, not it’s just all back to it. Definitely be more rational and make better decisions when you can. I think me, our family and extended family we are pretty computer minded guys, maybe it runs in the genes. Even playing poker i feel it’s like doing math problems for money, it’s all probability and guessing. I guess people who like math also likes computer programming and likes psychology and likes games and poker and are usually socially awkward! I believe there are different types of people in the world like there are different races and nationalities. Each of us are put here to do something, and together we complement the whole. Whew! I like that statement. I am getting really random right now (maybe due to super bad sleeping habits these last 2 days. Sleep at 11am, wake up at 6pm. Totally oppossite of normal human being).

Poker to Work

I am working at a store right now, and actually it pretty fulfilling. I don’t know how to explain it! The joy comes from the point of transaction. Like when someone asks for something, something he needs, it’s a really powerful thing. Another person’s need will drive us to fulfill it. Meeting another person’s need is very fulfilling indeed. And right now i can experience that feeling although most of the time i am just witnessing the transaction taking place. I feel connected and derive a certain feeling that i otherwise will never and have never gotten staying at home all day. Work is good in this way…

Minds Attract

I think i may be too philosophical, maybe it’s a bad thing, like you make up some theories on otherwise normal things that happen in life. This may lead me to think of divine will, my rights and wrongs, other people’s rights and wrongs, of self-interest or self-sacrifice for others, of feelings and what causes us to feel this way. I guess I am a more inward looking person, whether by nature or by habit, I am very aware of what i think and what i feel, till the point i am not receptive of what people say sometimes, not that i don’t want to listen to them, but just that I just couldn’t receive what is being said.

Back to the story, i just focus now on getting my PR. and my philosophical mind keeps saying that i have to be one-minded in this task, and since every endeavour requires a sacrifice, i shall sacrifice my comfort, and my otherwise daily habits such as playing Poker and YouTube. My philosophical mind keeps saying that if my mind is on several things, there is not enough thought power to attract what i want? Or the non ‘The Secret’ version will be if you don’t work hard on what you want, soon you be distracted and will lack motivation to do what you set out to.

It’s funny that when i focus on something, suddenly i’m brought to people, or people suddenly come to me. It’s so crazy sometimes, i don’t believe it’s coincidence anymore? Like there was this day i told myself i want to focus on Poker, then later on in the day, i received a phone call from a friend overseas who is here for a week, and guess what, this the one of the few friends i know who actually likes Poker. Then i thought to myself “Oh My God” was this set up by a sort of divine will or is it destiny or fate. So i make sure to realize my friend was here because of our interest in Poker and God knows what else, but if there is such thing as Divine Will, then events and people are usually brought to you for a higher purpose than you realize. So i mentioned Poker, and he said he’s been playing a lot in the casino lately, and then we talked at lengths about Poker and later we watched some Warcraft videos on my comp. I guess people who are competitive tends to love the same stuff, sports and games. I knew this friend from playing soccer, and we happen to play the same online computer game (DOTA..) and now stopped playing that and moved to Poker, and none of us told each other to do so, it’s in our nature?! But sometimes i think if being competitive is a bad thing, cos you fighting others for your self, instead of the serve everybody’s interest that is considered noble. Now you know the bad thing about philosophical thinking, you just keep on thinking about these stuff that have no definite answers to them.

Yesterday i set my mind to get my PR and any full-time job, then suddenly I was eating with my friends’ friends who all got jobs already. Then i begin to think, okay maybe i was placed here again? Might be thinking too much, sometimes i just wish i can think 80% less. Maybe i would be more productive. Ya anyway as usual i can’t open my mouth around people i don’t know, i’m always thinking better be silent than say something that might offend them. But i think i should get out of my self more, cos its always better to be actively engaged in something than being static & worrying. I still feel quite uncomfortable around people i just met. But i found out this yesterday, that i won’t talk unless i am asked. I don’t feel impelled to contribute to the conversation unless the topic interests me (which is rare). But the worse thing to happen to me i think, is to be ignored, like no one addresses you or mentions you. I feel sort of unworthy, and what makes being unnoticed worse is when you are unnoticed even when among friends! c’mon what can be more sad than that. Maybe my mind is just unfocused and not in tune to whatever people say usually, especially if it doesn’t concern me, or not addressing me. Doesn’t that just ring of self-interest. Maybe i should be more willing to do things for others even if it has no benefit or does not even concern me. You only get what you give?

Confused

Been very distracted these days, not knowing what is wrong, but having that uneasy feeling that everything is not right, and its probably because of not knowing what i am to do in life. Just thinking of ‘finding a job’ totally depletes me of energy. I feel like it will not bring any plus, but only minuses. am i seriously mistaken here? I think i can only work for people i admire, it feels likes if i work with people i feel an affinity with, the work will be 2nd nature? I really need more Hwaiting in me right now.

Finding Job as Last Minute Assignment

So finding a job has its similarities to completing an assignment. And if you see the people who manage to find a job quickly those are the people who normally hand up their assignment on time. Whereas those who are unemployed for months are the ones who hand in the assignments last minute, but still on time. For me, just like in uni, i hand up my assignment 2 days overdue, that is why it’s been almost a year and i’m still unemployed.

The question i get asked everytime is ‘Have you found a job?’ And the answer will be ‘no…’ Then they’ll go ‘Then what do you do everyday?’ ‘Stay at home not bored ah?’ I’m kinda numb to these questions already. Like back in uni, the night before a 3000 word assignment people would ask me where I’m at then I’ll say I’m still writing introduction they just –> O.O holy sh*t.

I know for most people it’s quite hard to understand how a person like me can be so slackkk. I also don’t understand myself sometimes, I know what I am, but why I am what I am i can’t really explain? It’s just like dat loh. If i want to realise my dreams i better ++ willpower. And nows the time.. assignment due in a month.

Die Ego Die

I found out something this morning after another period of reflection, which you are bound to do with so much time on your hands and having no job. I found that all these time, it’s always been about myself. Even this blog is about myself. Thinking about my affairs, worry about doing anything that would potentially take something away from me – whether it’s my freedom, all the things i like, and my ‘image’ in the eyes of others.

Upon reflection, the happiest times seems to be those times when i have lost all self-consciousness while doing something. The times when i do badly, invariably are the times when I have too many uncontrolled thoughts running through my mind, and I am not focused at the task at hand. This is making me realise something, that maybe thinking for yourself is nothing but ego, and that attention should be directed towards a task till you forget yourself in the process and thus lose your ego/selfishness.

Happily Confused

Hmm after having a chat with two friends I just wanna say this.. that nothing beats the feeling of having a great conversation over things that interests both parties. That one mind is only capable of little, but two minds working towards the same goal brings added strength and motivation. It’s really hard to explain, but i know now the happiness of having friends who share similar ideas and goals.

However I’m still confused over which career path to take. Right now I got some cakes laid out infront of me, and I must buy one of the cakes. But right now someone is reaching out a chocolate cake for me at an 50% discount. And note i never like chocolate cakes! But since I’m hungry and short for cash, the chocolate cake looks like an offer I can’t refuse. But I know I don’t like chocolate cakes, and I might not even enjoy eating it. But then again I might like it once i try it. But I never liked chocolate cakes! I rather buy the vanilla for full price lah… but then again I don’t feel nice towards the person who’s offered me chocolate at 50% off.. and maybe it doesn’t matter what cake i buy, maybe what matters is who i eat the cake with..