On attention and excitement

So for as long as i can remember, i always had the worst attention span among friends. When reading a case study together, my friends would be on the 5th page and I’ll still be on page 3. It’s no surprise to me that i have poor attention span because i engage in the most ADD hobbies – watching videos all day and playing games a lot. This was literally my life from 14 years old until now.

I use to think that i have the ability to focus, i just need to try really hard, and i would regain my concentration. I found that that is not the case. A typical day of studying without any coffee, would be me staring at book for 1-2 hour, not getting over a few pages and end up going to sleep. So this went on and on until i gave up trying to focus ‘naturally’ and started taking coffee. Of course coffee did wonders. I never could finish an assignment without coffee. During exam period i would be drinking coffee everyday.

Nowadays, I opt to drink energy drinks instead of coffee. Sometimes i would drink coffee, and not feel it’s effects. Not that i am more immune to caffeine, it’s just that some coffee don’t have much effects on me. Also coffee makes you pee a lot, that alone would be reason enough for me to not want to drink coffee.

I read on a website today, that people who’ve taken drugs would have problem living normal lives even if they quit drugs. Why? Because the drugs have let them entered a high they will never experience any other way. That ‘high’ ruined their ‘reward’ part of the brain, which is the part which pumps out the feel good chemicals like dopamine. They have experienced so high an excitement level when taking drugs, all the other aspects of life becomes boring, even the supposedly happy times like when you meet up with friends, eat good food etc.

Now my point is this, could it be that too much entertainment, makes us less appreciative of the little things? I believe that a person who is constantly stimulated by games, videos, music etc. experience highs that are akin to taking drugs (although obviously not as strong). But when your brain is habitually excited, you will get bored more easily. And when you get bored easily, of course you can’t pay attention to the mundane stuff like work. So essentially, excessive excitement causes people to be more moody, and less happy about normal things. That is what i am trying to say. Therefore, it is better that we limit the amount of ‘excitement’ in our lives, so that we can enjoy more the little things.

Got 6kg Dumbells

Okay finally got myself Dumbells although they are only 6kg. I have to thank my bro for the dumbells, it’s his actually. But since he has signed up for Gold’s Gym, he said I could take the dumbells if i want. I would actually want 10kg or 15kg dumbells, which is what i was lifting for shoulder and chest back in Melbourne. But I tried doing some shoulder press and i realize i could only do 10 reps using 6kg. So it should be good to use 6kg for now. And i can do more reps to make up for the weight.

I did 3 sets of 8 reps bicep curl, and i was really pushing myself for the 3rd set. And this is 6kg… So this is how weak my arm is. My other concern is that i often rush through the reps, not doing them slowly and properly. Shall take note of that. Also, i probably would be buying new weights soon, although my mom seems to be convinced that i would quit soon, i think otherwise this time. My main goal for lifting weights isn’t even body-building, it’s actually to release my energy and achieve better concentration. So I’m actually lifting so i can think better and pay attention better. So far i can’t think of any better way to help me concentrate than to lift weights. It seems to do the trick. Hope it continues to. I shall shamelessly tag this post under body-building.

Exercising at Night

This morning, i tried to do some pushups after lunch, which was just a small bowl of noodles. I realize that i was not able to do the pushups. I wonder why. I think the most probable reason is that I just finished eating, and therefore most of the blood is going to the stomach to digest the food. Then before i knew it was too tired and went to sleep at 2pm.

Now it’s night and i just did some pushups and squats. I did 20 pushups this time because i really couldn’t feel anything after 15 reps in the first set. This is quite a mistake, because when i started on the second set, my hands were too weak. I could only do 10 pushups. I probably could do 15, but it would be too much a struggle. So i just realize something, that low rep makes sense, even if you don’t feel anything in the first set, because the 2nd and 3rd set will kill you. So i plan on sticking to 15, 15, 15.

As for squats, since i died doing the second set of 30 the last time i did it, i decide to stay with 20,20,20 tonight which turned out just nice. I don’t want to push myself such that i have to wake up with an aching body tomorrow morning.

I really feel best at night, mentally and physically. I realize i am just a night person. But exercising at night is really not a great idea. When i exercise, it is at 9pm. And this is a bit too late if i plan to sleep at 10-11pm. I think it’s best to exercise with an empty stomach before dinner/lunch/breakfast.

Pushups and Squats

Okay yesterday i did some squats for a start. I did 2 sets of 30 squats, and i did them properly such that after the second set, the hips were burning like hell. Those 2 sets of squats were all i did yesterday lol. But don’t laugh at this, because i haven’t done any exercise at all for the past few months. All i do is stare at the computer screen all day. The closest thing to exercise for me everyday probably is walking 15m to the toilet to take a bath. I thought i should begin by doing some simple exercises like push-ups and squats to work the heart. As i was doing the squats for example, I could really feel my heart beating fast. This was exactly what i wanted, but i think i pushed myself too hard on the second set of the squat, i was already struggling at 20, but still pushed myself to do till 30. Should have known not to push myself so much, because the last time i pushed myself this way in the gym i couldn’t walk without aches for almost a week.

But i am very positive about exercising right now. Why? Because even though i only did 2 sets of pushups and 2 sets of squats each day, i could feel my heart pumping, and when my heart pumps, i feel healthier, more alive and alert. Also, my sleep is noticeably deeper. I have also regained a bit of my appetite. What more can i ask for, than to eat well, sleep well, and be alert when i am trying to do something. And it all seems to have picked up since i did these little exercises. That is why i am very positive about exercising right now. I plan to buy dumbbells so i can exercise more areas such as arms shoulders chest and back.

Planning to Exercise

I seriously am thinking about beginning an exercise habit from now on. I am more and more convinced that our mental performance is tied to our physical fitness level. I was reading a pokernews article on durrrrr challenge and i came upon this conversation between durrrr and patrik.

durrrr: ok, i gtg soon 
durrrr: goin to gym in like 30min or so 
durrrr: mayb less 
Patrik Antonius: lets play 20min ok? 
durrrr: 30min or so is fine

What has this got to do with me planning to exercise? Well because i am a big fan of durrrr, and since he goes to the gym, i must think he finds exercise to be important. Also i must remind myself of something i read in the Bobby Fisher (chess legend) book where it was written that he trained his body like a Spartan (even though he was a chess player). This more than proves that exercise is crucial if we want to be able to perform mentally.

Also this made my day:

“durrrr” Challenge railbird quotes of the day: 

timmay28 (Observer): WHY HAVENT THE BLINDS GONE UP? 

PAC10Pride (Observer): durrrr, if you were a fruit, which would you be and why?

Emotionally Infected

Geez I hate it when someone makes me emotional. I just hate it. I see it as a form of manipulation unlike physical force. Instead of punching you in the face, someone can say some hurtful things that would wound you as bad, albeit emotionally.

I read on a blog yesterday that says that our level of happiness is inherently tied to the level of happiness of our family. That is true, but one part of me wants to disbelieve in that. I feel like some people just attract problems into their lives, and if you try to listen to their story, they would only b*tch to you about stuff that basically don’t need to be b*tched out. Such are the drama queens in this world, and i dislike this type of people. They use the fact that someone is listening to their story, to manipulate the story to incite some kind of emotions out of you, usually to incite you to hate the person he/she is hating. If you listen to their stories, you can’t help but get ‘infected’ with their emotions. From a normal emotional state, i suddenly become sad and feel heavy in my heart just listening to a person’s hateful story. I feel like an innocent bystander caught in the drama based on irrationality and untruths, and biases created by angry/egoic minds.

How come some people just can’t stop making enemies in their lives? And when they feel offended (even though it’s not warranted) they would spread their anger and hate into the people around them, often who has nothing at all to do with the problem. It’s okay to get angry and speak to someone else about it, but never let that anger consume you and make you blind to the real emotional effects you are causing other people. And guess what, usually since you’ve hurt people around you needlessly, karma is going to get you again. I have witnessed this again and again. In the past, when someone has mistreated me, i always feel so angry, that i do not deserve to be treated this way, or that the person could have been more sensitive to my feelings. But very soon, karma works its wheels, and some misfortune will befall on the person, and now he/she is at the receiving end of all the emotional hurts he/she has caused to the people around.

So can we do anything to help these people? These so called drama queens. I have tried listening to them (alot) and giving some advice here and there on what i think would be rational to do that would help solve the problem. But usually listening would only let their ego talk louder and they would continually b*tch about the other person. I don’t understand why people love to b*tch so much. Their lack of self-awareness cause them to be stuck at hating instead of on solving the problem. And when you give them honest opinions from a 3rd person’s point of view, they dismiss it and blame you instead for not siding with them. Such drama queens, their minds are set, and no longer open. Like the Chinese say, it’s like ‘playing music to a cow’. They won’t get it. They are furious and their minds are closed. There is no use talking to these people. If you get close to them, you only get caught up in their string of lies.

I am generally an emotionless person. I don’t react to things as emotionally as other people. I like it this way because i am of the belief that emotions are an impediment to rationality. And thus limiting emotions in life would be a good way to go about life in a controlled, rational manner. However i find it difficult to block out the emotions of others. I feel infected by their emotions. I feel it unfair that I have to go through what they have caused. I use to think that you can be friends with everyone, all it takes is a tolerance, but now i believe that some people are really unsave-able and it would be better if you just distance yourself from them as early as you can.

No Umph

I don’t know why, i have this a lot in the mornings, i can’t motivate myself to do anything. This is why i am interested in psychology, because why is it that when we were younger, the littlest things gets us excited, but as we grow older, nothing gets us excited anymore.

Right now, around noon time, i am always at such a state that my thoughts are very bland. No matter what i decide to think about, be it my investing goals, or whatever, it doesn’t excite me. Like my thinking part of the brain has lost it’s connection with the emotion part of the brain. And when you have no emotions, you can’t possibly feel excited to do anything, or even feel good for that matter.

Now i have listed this post under psychology because i believe this is a psychological problem. I think that my brain lacks the so called feel good chemicals like adrenaline, dopamine. Or it is deficient in this area, because I find it hard to ’stimulate’ my brain to action. It’s very hard to describe the problem. Thinking itself is pretty hard, and foggy, I am not excited about anything, but i am also not depressed about anything, just that everything seems monotonous and bland. And i am only semi-conscious and daydreaming all the time.

It gets better from the evening on wards. I feel like the brain and emotions are functioning better at night. Probably blog again later at night to see how different i feel from the morning.

Back after 5 months!

I am finally back to blogging! (online at least).  I’ve been keeping an offline blog, but they are more topic-centered. Like how i used to use this blog as a poker blog. Actually the reason i haven’t blogged here is because I have stopped playing poker, aside from the occasional facebook poker games. So i decided, that i should keep my investing diary offline. But certain things are not bloggable in the investing diary, and i often go into philosophy and psychology in my posts, so i thought i might as well come back to this blog, where i can discuss everything and have them put into the different categories. Also I have the feeling that if i write them here, they “won’t be lost forever”.

Here I will sum up all that has happened in the last 4 months (to make up for lost time) ( i may have forgotten some but these should be the main ones):

15th of July, I missed my flight

This was the first time ever i missed a flight. And it was due to an unexpected jam on the airport toll. We could have anticipated the jam, as it was at 5pm, but i don’t think we could have anticipated the severity of the jam. It was terrible… 6 lanes of jammed cars, on the only highway that leads to the airport! I can’t imagine how many people missed their flights too due to this.

Run like God in a live cash game

Might sounds like a blasphemous statement but the session itself, how good i ran, it really felt like God or a force was playing through me. Everything just went so well. I told W that I’ll never run this good again in my lifetime lol. How do you get up 8 buy-ins in a 3 hour cash game? Was dealt a fair lot of premium hands (AA twice KK JJ TT) but mostly importantly, every time i played for a big pot, i get lucky. Whether with premium hands like AA or speculative like 35s, i seem to hit the board hard, but more importantly someone else also hit the board, but only for the 2nd best hand. For example, I flopped flush on the turn over this guy’s set of aces on the flop, the two times I got aces I manage to get it in pre-flop and hold, then things like flopping straight over two pair, flopping two pair against a high pocket pair. Very unreal, and was definitely a great feeling. Although it seems like a lot in Indonesian money, I only won SGD$200. But it could last me a month or two here. Before the session i was focusing my mind on relaxing, and not thinking of anything at all, i think this state really helped a lot. I tried to maintain it throughout the session.

Finally investing the money

Father gave me some capital to trade, which is quite a huge sum to me, but i was too scared to put the money to use as i think i haven’t learned enough to invest properly yet. Then after some pressure from my dad, i finally picked a day when the market was red, and put 50% of my portfolio into 4 stocks – TLKM BBRI UNTR and BBKP. I believe these companies are safe yet might produce more than medium returns. I used two indicators, first Earnings growth, and second strong analyst recommendations. These stocks produce solid growth in earnings and are recovering well from the crisis. Their P/E are low 13-15. So this combined made the  ’margin of safety’ i was looking for if i was to enter into stocks. Although this was in no way a detailed analysis, at least i felt i did a good job in minimizing risk. I just didn’t want to lose any money, that is the number one key.

Thanks to my ‘guts’ the market rallied from that day onwards, BBRI and UNTR has seen 10-15% increases, reaching the initial price targets i set on them (which i never expected will come so quick). The less volatile stocks like TLKM and BBKP has seen a fair share of increases from 3-8%. I have seen taken profit on UNTR for 15% (it’s since moved higher….). BBRI i should have taken profit at 15% too but i didn’t because i thought BBRI has a little more to go. But i was wrong.. it’s gone down 10% from then, and my paper profits for BBRI today is only 6%, TLKM 3% and BBKP 1%. I’m thinking of putting another 1/3 of the money into the market again today, seeing 2 days of big drops upon no real news. We’ll see how.

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That’s the end of the summary. I’m constantly distracted throughout this blog post but hope i didn’t write too bad. More frequent blogs posts (mostly about investing) from today onwards.